Transitioning 40 to 50 (ramblings) .

Transitioning towards the big 50.

When mom passed and after a good friend too, I felt hope is diminishing in my everyday.

Are humans truly born to be free? Are we programmed to be free? I felt growing up, learning religion through adults’ eyes around me, indicate that only after judgement, and a lifetime of reward of Paradise or Hell, will we eventually be free.

But will we be free in Paradise? Aren’t we all slaves? Slash that, I meant servants of the Creator?

What does freedom mean? To do whatever we want? To solve in whatever issues we feel strongly about? To be seen, heard and matter as our individual selves? Freedom means different to everyone.

For me, to wander wherever whenever. To live my life as I deem fit. To be open to unknown paradigms and beliefs. To be happy is freeing for me. Not allowing anyone to subject me to live life according to their whims and beliefs but my own. To experiment life on my own. To fall and get up as much as I can and learn from mistakes made. To constantly changing and adapting to be better being.

I’m still struggling to see life through my old Muslim eyes. I’ve gone beyond and came back to where I used to be. Like I’ve never left. Learn spirituality through different cultures, felt expanded beyond my consciousness but when I put on my scarf, I felt weird.

I’ve been shuffling my old beliefs and paradigm to be in sync to what I’m currently am. I’m struggling with that.

I also felt that I’ve done what I’ve wanted. Experienced and gone where I wanted to. Now unsure what I want to do.

Most believe charity work should be next as we aged. But like my first employer (Mcd 31 yrs back) has taught me, clean as you go, I felt I have volunteered as I go and grow.

I need something that creates fire in my heart, again. Where my heart leaps in joy hearing about it everyday, I open my eyes to wake up. To live is a miracle. An opportunity. But to wake up in sunshiny state, daily is a bonus I desire.

Losing a loved one has truly tore me open and bring me to the darkness I never knew present and allow the light to enter as it subside, perhaps years later.

I’m experiencing body changes as what was told to me by my elders, passed. I’m changing these old beliefs adopted to be different.

When I return to Umrah recently, I felt I wasn’t able to perform as well as when I was in my twenties, 20 years ago. But I was wrong. In fact, I’ve never felt better and wiser. Everyday was a repetitive 25000 steps. I thought I might also be unwell due to the heat and dryness. But none of that happens.

I’m turning into a medicine woman I never wanted to be. My mom was one. She was like a walking dictionary on local herbs, flora and fauna. I never thought I can have that much info but I do my best to share what I remembered and tried to practice now to my kids.

Have you ever thought – I’ve done what I came here to do. Now what is God’s will for me?

But then, I ponder about my life… God has always been with me. I’ve done my bestest to ensure everything I do, sync well with my connection with Him. But as a human, I felt I may have strayed a dozen times.

I’ve blogged and communicated what I desire to share. I’m truly speechless now. Just random ramblings here and there.

There were times, I used to be “lonely” in crowds because no one can see the world like I do. But now, it don’t matter anymore. I respect that everyone is different. Not even twins see the world the same. I’ve met many twins. Similar perspectives but never the same.

The anger within me regarding patriarchy, women suppression, discrimination, bullies and many more subsides. The world will continue battling itself out regarding these issues even after I’m gone. What matters, I’ve stood and expressed what needed from my truth.

There was once, I went to a distant female friend to weep my heart out upon the demise of my guy friend.

I felt a dilemma arising. The guy who passed was a good man. His heart was huge. And he often push my buttons and mindfucked me, so I get out my own limitations, expand and grow to be better. A guy, I felt home with. We can chat about anything and everything without having each other’s judgement. Hours can passed, and we still feel like there is still much to talk about.

OK, back to the dilemma, I was taught as a Muslim, when we die, the angels will ask us, a few questions. One of them being, who is your God? And we answered not with our mouth but organs that lay witness to our convictions of our own religion and spirtuality.

So if our answer is wrong, then no matter what deeds we did, we end up in hellfire.

Because of this, there are wars on earth where men fight in the name of God (most are born out of ego) ,in which they believe their own religion reign supreme in comparison to others. They believed they are the “chosen” ones to enter heaven.

I’ve long knew that no one is confirmed a heaven dweller even if one is a faithful Muslim or Christian or Jew or pagan etc. Why? Because on our death bed, we may change. The Christian may utter kalimah shahadah, the Muslim may change his mind and be the atheist and so on. So no one has the right to criticise anyone in regards to their own beliefs.

Growing up, life was challenging for me. Home was empty and sometimes don’t feel safe. I felt better on the streets, I spend my extra hours either in school or working. So whoever was placed in my life, I learn from them.

Lucky for me, mom had taught me to be respectful of everyone. She was open enough to teach me cultures from beyond our own. So the foundation was good.

I learn to embrace anyone in my path regardless what their gender, race, culture, color, beliefs, perspectives, ages and more.

So the dilemma… I felt very sappy whenever I start relearning my own religion, recently. It felt like the past had caught up with me.

The sad gloomy burdenful days. The reason I broke away from, to explore and learn joy from other cultures. Felt like a vacuum cleaner is sucking me in.

And so I pause. I’m in a standstill. To allow my emotions and what’s within to run amok, allowing the chaos and fears to rise as I stood for afar, an observer detached.

It’s not about my sons growing up to be adults and having lives of their own. It’s not about the graves calling me (we have this saying in Malay that as we age, the graves are calling out our names to repent).

It’s not about the world changing and moving into a fast pace that I cannot or no longer wish to follow it (technology regarding money and the many apps is already confusing me). Its not about missing my mom and feeling the world no longer welcomes me cos mom was home, my buddy was home and they both left.

It’s not about looking back whether I’ve done enough (I still hear in my head some peeps saying, she is so highly educated why didn’t she just get a high paying job?). It’s not about whether I ended up in hell or heaven. It’s not about the daily news that can kill hopes blossoming.

It’s not about the world and its never ending man-made apocalypse shown on movies (don’t they read the Secret book – what you showcase to millions, attract the same).

It’s no longer about whether teleport is possible (I was shown it was possible and no portal is needed) and all other time travel or sci-fi gadgets and super powers is possible.

Is it about me? How I want my life to be, in the next few phase? Or something more. Will I still be doing things to feed my curiosity or observe my surroundings doing their own? Just be an observer and advisor?

Will I still be digging truths from people and working on self development? Or will I cast away to some fancy towns and enjoy life like I never used to (I love to spend winter in those hallmark movies town, so Christmasy, wondering if the peeps are truly like that?)

For sure, I will be forgotten when I’m six feet under. My true explorations known to very few will fade. My words will be gone, Lina Masrina will just be a distant memory.

So what’s next? What’s beyond the many veils of life, I’ve penetrated?

My blogs of 10 years and more, I prayed daily that everyone who enters to read will get some kind of enlightenment – blessings, solutions and lessons pertaining to their own life.

Death felt very scary when mom passed. I felt a slither of cold touched me with a very calming message-everything is going to be fine. Everyone is going to be alright.

The first thing that popped up – not worrying about mom but….
everyone who? Everyone who believes in God? Everyone who do good deeds?

There is one thing I desire that doesnt seem to fall into peace in my life. But as I wanted to cut away that hope, to free more space for more other opportunities, I felt that this was the main reason why I became a wanderer. To cut that off, felt like I’m cutting away my oxygen intake.

It’s like trying to catch a butterfly. I’ve tried all ways. Taking action. Meditate and do nothing hoping it come to my shoulders. Law of attraction and stuff. It felt like I’ve already made a promise regarding that, decades ago or before I was born. And there’s nothing I can do but leave it in Almighty’s hands.

It’s like, it’s something I want. And I spend my lifetime acquiring it. But I never can get it because it fans the fire to wake up everyday. Catch ball?


Anyway to share…some of my family “elixir” …
Grandmom only eat Royal jelly and she stays healthy, young till 80. She wandered about with me to food places and her favorite market.

Mom ate Jamu for women (air mancur) and many more other herbal concoctions she made herself. She travels the world with us even do roadtrips till 60. Her energy was beyond mine, most times. And she still look youthful.

My grandfather was very youthful looking and strong too. He was so independent walking about, and working till he passed, abt 80, I think.

He had his own healthy routines but one I knew of, he drank turmeric water made fresh by my auntie (I think you can find Indonesian recipes for it).

For me, peeps always ask me, why I don’t look my age… Some may say genes. But i think otherwise. I’ve seen myself look aged than my age when I was in my 30s. I’ve seen myself looking energetic and youthful in my 40s. Yes, energy healing and all other healings I’ve learnt and herbs helps.

But mainly, the youthful elixir I believe can happen for everyone is….

More worries =more aged looking.

Worries has to be released, daily. Don’t worry is best

Don’t carry baggages especially when it’s not yours. Learn to let go.

Do your bestest and leave the rest to the Almighty. Because no matter how hard we do, we cannot control everything. It’s best we surrender to the Higher Power.

The rest are just bonus..

Smile and laugh daily.

Emotion Code is important to me because this is how I learn to release baggages.

Trapped emotions, traumatic experiences, inherited emo and past events that trapped in genes and dna and energy, spiritual ailment or baggages, mostly I learn from healings around the world but later, I found it all under body code. Emotion Code and body code is from Dr. Bradley Nelson.

I learn and became a certified practitioner because it works well on me, my family and those who came to me. So I not only travel light, I live light. My life is a minimalist art.

Don’t take yourself too seriously. And remember how people treat you means, you have to dig deeper and see if your inner world is the same.

And mostly I don’t care about what or how others think about me, because I believe what comes out of their mouth is mainly about themselves (the lenses they see the world through). So I do my bestest not to take it personally.

And I also believe everyone is doing their bestest through what they knew and experienced, so be kind, be love to everyone in your path. See everything through eyes of love (always, whenever you can).

As for food, I believe…

Everything we eat should be a balance. And everything we eat can be medicine or poison, depending on what we believed.

So intent, that whatever you cook, or eat is healing and beneficial to your health.

I always imagine I add some love and healing energy to everything I cook.

I always say before every meal whenever – this food/water makes me healthy and happy always. Thank you, God.

Also its not true, that as we age, our bodies must deteriorate and fall apart.

You can affirm opposite. You can reprogram your beliefs, genes and dna. You can still be healthy and have all your teeth till end of your life even if it’s 100. Believe it.

Death can come anytime. It’s not necessarily due to old age and diseases.

As much as you strengthen your immune system with healthy food, strengthen your life and mortality with great positive affirmations about your bodies and health.

Yes, I understand its not easy when everyone around you is saying otherwise. But remember, the power ultimately is yours.

Don’t adopt negative beliefs of others as your own. Create your own positive beliefs. Affirm daily with much joy. Do your bestest and leave the rest especially the unknown to the Creator.

This is what I can share, for now, about life and through my eyes and experiences. And alfatiha to those mentioned above will be a bonus. Thank you.

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