The parent me is ceasing to exist…

I was recently driven by my eldest. And I reminisce those days where I drove both my kids to school in their kid’s seats and listening to Jason Mraz CD. All 3 of us are enjoying the car ride in our own lala land (I get easily distracted and so when I drive, I need to focus fully so my kids learnt not to disturb me while I’m driving).

Now fast forward, my eldest drove me and I felt privileged to experience this because I felt the parent in me is beginning to release and cease to be the main lead.

Soon my youngest will take the license and drove me too.

Part of me felt happy to see them excelling in life but part of me is in fear because I’m growing older and so many fears are constantly created out of being old. I felt – oh no, I’m turning into my mom and grandmother.

Witnessing the peeps around me turning grey, I wondered how my outcome will be. I began to be aware of my knee sounds emerging when I walk too long. I began to listen to my heart pounding as I completed walking up a flight of stairs.

My shielding and grounding easily removed whenever I have an ounce of empathy towards just any stranger. Life started to become a bore.

Traveling is not as marvelous as it used to be for me, engaging my curiosity but more on lessening my energy levels and the hassle of it all, keeping me away from my comfy bed and home.

Time seems so rapidly moving and my pace does not seem to keep up with it. In fact, I felt I’m actually gently flowing with it. More zen and more attitude started to stand up, proclaiming this n that as my right to be.

I wonder what my peers are facing in this mid life transition.

Good or bad health lifestyle, the evidence of it started to show up, and I felt the need to solve them ASAP.

Weight gain and loss is super slow. Visiting the graves of my loved ones reminded me of my own grave call. Death felt so near. Am I prepared?

Some of us are struggling to change our lifestyles and beliefs adopted because it may seem to go downhill at the moment. Thus this is a moment of varied changes that may need to occur to transform within and without.

And our participation with the world may lessen. We start to disappear on the outside but more aware on the inside. Some of us fear that we will be forgotten and dissappear to be invisible.

Sometimes I looked at the wrinkly elders around me and wonder what marvelous stories they must have in their lives to share with us. For sure, they lead amazing lives. I wonder if there are any witnesses to their life stories and achievements, pain and struggles.

Love start to mean differently to me. Sex felt like a passing fad.

Everyday I ask myself – do I have the will to live? What are the reasons? In what way I am still needed? In what way can I still contribute? It felt the world is becoming a complex game, I don’t necessarily desire to partake.

Sometimes I find myself too noisy to concentrate on the Now moment, not from the chaos of the world but my own inner chatter and critic. Felt like parts of me are struggling and grabbing the remaining years of existence wanting to create more to empower them with my existence.

Everyday instead of me being the teacher, I became the student instead, watching my kids go through their own lives and choices.

Whatever you are going through, pat yourself on the back for being at this level of awareness. You have done well, warrior. Be in gratitude of that. Don’t trouble yourself by minisculing yourself ridiculously with past failures and sappy events. Because life itself will do that, so why, not see life as glass half full?

Most of these I’ve shared are for myself and future gen like my sons. I have no intention to make anyone smaller than they already thought they were. My hope is that in my every word, I shared… Can helped make at least 1 face smile, 1 heart lighten, everyday.

Smile.

Your life is definitely beautiful no matter what anyone thinks.

I believe you have been and continue to be a wonderful being in your life.

Thank you.

Thank you for doing your best everyday and showing up as you. We all need you.

I love you

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