I called them- “She-man”.

I’ve noticed a lot lately.

Probably because I potray this often. Like attracts like.

I’ve also noticed something similar in our upbringing.

Either when we were born, the male gender is much more “popular” (in the community we were brought up in) because it’s more of an asset than being a girl which often constitutes a “liability”.

Or that upon growing up, we have to embrace “boy qualities” to protect ourselves or charm our way into adults’ hearts. Either out of fear or out of pleasure.

For my case, it’s both.

In Asia (Chinese, Malay, Indian, Vietnamese etc) baby boys are much welcomed thus mothers giving birth (or perhaps way before the idea of being pregnant) used to be more stressful about the genders than the safety of their own lives (whether they will live after giving birth).

It is said that boys bring luck to their families.

I still get those “happy pats” on the backs from elders of all races whenever I “hang out” with my kids. They showed me smiles and thumbs up for giving birth to boys and having my boys’ existence in my life.

For me, I don’t really care about that since I’ve been a part of the “non-lucky gender”, growing up and has to work hard to prove my worthiness. For me boys or girls, both are gifts from the Divine.

In India, (now they are changing)…

Boys are considered an asset and when they are of marriageable age, the bride-to-be and family has to “gift”(pay) them and their family some kind of “dowry package” (which includes car, house, land, money and many more).

In Arab, once upon a time before Islam came, the daughters born were buried alive. Their birth were thought to cause the family shame.

But now their dowries can drive women to shame. (I don’t understand why marriage is like a business transaction.)

I thought time has changed until I had conversations with preggie moms recently.

They wanted sons to impress their-in-laws and husbands.

Some form of validation (I’m-good-enough-to-give-you-a-son-heir). But I did reminded them that the boy gender is still up to the men due to the XY chromosomes thingy.

But they said-they will do anything to facilitate that like eating certain food, making love in different position, timing or directions (fengshui for sex?) and many more…

I felt a pang of sympathy…

I was born a girl when my father wanted a boy.

Throughout my life, I tried to adopt the “I-can-be-a-boy-too” to win my father’s love. But it was never enough for him.

And then when he got a boy, my brother, he mistreated him.

Eventually he compared us by our “intelligence” and favor me more (which I felt was untrue, we both are intelligent in our own unique ways). And it was tough to fulfill his rising expectations.

Sometimes I felt that God truly understands what is best for us.

And then as I grew up, the adult men surrounded me were not good role models including my father. Women had to learn to be self-sufficient because the men were to me “have no backbones”… they acted as if they were ultimate gender, a different super being than the rest of us (including their parents-I’ve seen how parents tolerate their insolence and yet they spare the rod for the sons but not the daughters).

The women I observed have to slog so hard whereas the men have it easy with the parents doting and “saving” them from every challenges they faced. The women? Save yourself, they said alongside a string of abusive disrespectful words.

Yes, I grew up alongside the “She-Men”. My mom is one of them. When she got divorced, no one in the family especially the men came forward to help her with her small kids. In fact asking for a divorce from an abusive husband is challenging with her own family not supporting her.

Instead they kept asking her to be the good wife and tolerate it. So as not to create shame for the family.

Trade her happiness for the “water-face”. But my mom is a warrior. She fought for her happiness and her kids. She knows that if she hides and be a coward then she is a bad role model for her kids.

She walked alone (and her small kids) to find her own path.

I grew up not expecting much from the men. My father, my first “hero”, has disappointed me numerous times. After so much disappointment, I felt like if I want something, it’s best I get it on my own.

My independence started way before I earn my own pocket money in high school.

Probably due to that, I do not have good thoughts about men.

I was also betrayed by men who was supposed to protect me. So with that much non positive events happening for me, my stance in the world was more defensive and protective than being open hearted.

I had on a lot of protective armour. And I behaved like a boy and then… men.

As a single mom, that “masculinity” is used often to survive and protect my kids. To the point, I don’t know what it feels like to be a woman.

Even as a wife, I’m always on guard to protect myself in case my spouse was not able to (which was often in regards to his mom).

There were many moments even men felt that my masculinity was too much for them to handle that it turned them off.

After my divorce, I went through a series of programs. They helped me to disarm my armour and protective mode.

In warrior camps, I worked with some amazing men who were able to make me feel safe, protected and at ease so much so that my femininity flows out willingly.

The world is changing fast and rapidly.

The world no longer need so much masculine energy but more feminine energy. (What I meant is that, masculine energy from men is sufficient. Women do not have to be fully masculine. We have to loosen it up. )

Sometimes we act too tough that our spouse no longer feel that we need them and became passive in their masculine selves.

To balance it all up, women have to start embracing their feminity. Stop donning the mask of being a tough cookie.

All the above stories (illusions) I shared are all what I attracted. Through the eyes of fear and not love.

The duality of it all is that…

When we are on defensive mode, for sure we attract what we do not want. We attract what we greatly fear. And sometimes we acted out just like what we dislike/hate, unaware.

Will that serve you?

No, definitely not. So let it go. Let go of all that hardness.

Embrace our feminine side. Talk to her. Do what makes her happy. Only you can make you happy.

If you forget what it feels like to be a woman, talk to your loved ones…or hang out with the women. Not the “tough women” but those who are comfy with their “girly selves”.

Buy flowers for yourself, wear that pinky dress, bring out that female sensuality within and let it flow happily… don’t judge. Just let her be.

P.s: Remember that everything has its polarities. If women are more masculine than their spouse, then they have no other choice than to be more feminine and for singles, you attract the same (I’ve tried and tested on that). And if you have children, they will model after you. Do you want your children to embrace their authentic selves or “play pretend”? Kids observe parents more than the words they say.

*these thoughts expressed are through my eyes, my experiences. They can be thru a wounded child’s eyes. The people mentioned may have changed drastically for the better including my father. Stories are shared to empower and inspire.

I understood that each person came into our lives to “push our buttons” so we can improve and be better than yesterday. And everyone has their own roles to play which may have “soul contracts” with us to fulfil.

I have forgiven people of my past and present the best I can. I held no grudge against any of them. If there is still remnants of emotions tied to any, then i still got “inner work” to do.

**Do note that everyone has feminine and masculine energy in them. Balancing them uniquely in your own psyche is recommended. Just do whatever that makes you happy, not just temporarily but that eternal sunshiney happiness from within (some women like to be more macho than their partners and prefer “feminine” husband, if that works for their relationship and both are happy, why not?…..

but what I’m referring to are women who adorned this tough cookie mask and masculine self but hated and dreaded every single second of it because its not their true selves.)

Balancing our own inner masculine and feminine is our own unique dance. Relax and go with the flow of our soul.