I watched J. Lo recent documentary about her producing her dream using her own money, her 4 marriages, her brokenness, a musical movie in her own way (I used to be a dancer in schools n her vids reminded me of my favorite Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation. Fyi-I still dance, for myself:).

I recognised her myriad emotions and challenging journey being “broken” (I don’t believe humans r broken, only expanded n bended).

Anyway, I too had gone onto my own journey. There was a time, I was broken hearted too. It’s hard for me to love and commit to 1 person, but I did my best. After that broken heartedness, I became a different person.

For years, I never truly tend to the inner child within me. I loved myself according to how others love me.

But the truth, I learnt was that, we only reflect onto the world what n how we treat ourselves n the limited love we believed we r worthy of.

Thus this creates a pattern of attraction. We attract the same peeps who hurt us with the same wounds until we r aware n say – enough.

From a very young age, I became an unknown entity with overwhelming responsibilities and identities created by others.

For years, I struggled to swim up to breathe as me- from the lies and fantasy I should be to please others, working my way to unfold a series of facades n masks n eventually I rediscover my truth.

Home was not safe. There was no one to trust not even my family (then) . I learnt to trust my own instincts while mingling the peeps from the streets. And I learn to wander about for my peace of mind.

I’ve been very independent since young. I’ve not depended upon others to manifest what I want. For a long period of time, I felt like an outsider, never truly belong with the world or anyone. It’s my autosafe mechanism. Because if I don’t belong, I can exit anytime.

I found my warriors’ nation when I started doing hard work with myself. It’s a congregation of peeps deemed “weird” by society who r not wavered or forced to keep up with the status quo just because…

Like me, they strive to find their truth and be.

I then learn to love myself, the most important physical companion of my life. I learn to put the oxygen mask onto myself first before helping others. Previously I used to put others n their priorities before me, like a sacrificing martyr always.

I learnt to let go of the many baggages I carry even those not my own. I used to believe my existence was a burden, an accident, a not needed existence. But now I cherished myself cos I know I have a part n role to play, a beautiful existence with unknown potentials.

Also one crucial thing, like J.Lo, I used to have this bottomless pits of not good enough. I gathered many achievements and accolades to prove myself to others but never truly celebrated any one of it. Why?

Because somewhere in childhood, I was ignored by someone very important. And I have been making up to him/her ever since.

The issue was not about pleasing the world though it may seem so, but that 1 person, I failed to do so, in childhood. I was never good enough for that 1 person.

And I’ve been dumping achievements one after another just so I can get his/her approval. Perhaps, good enough for him/her to look at me n say – I am proud of you. You have done good.

Perhaps the dream of wandering n discovering all 196+ countries is not my own. But this dream made me want to live again after my mom passed.

The numbers was for me. To motivate myself, to continuously keep it increasing. Not for some world record cos I’m actually one of the slowest amongst the world travelers. (I had the chance to complete it in 2009-2012, i had the means n time but I chose not to for personal reasons.)

No amount of standing ovations from the world can ever appease this bottomless pit within me. Maybe this person who was so important to me is no longer alive.

But I know, I can imagined n converse with him/her during my meditations. Imagining the outcome I wanted when I was a child.

Make peace with him/her in that moment. Remembering myself as that tiny girl who wanted to do so much to gain recognition in this person’s eyes.

And when I actually did imagined my own outcome, a huge part of self comes back to me-body, heart, mind n spirit. I guess I also left a huge part of me with that person in disappointment decades ago when I was ashamed.

Or perhaps the crumbles of brokeness n heart was not healed n I did not acknowledge my own worth nor give myself my own approval.

Truth is everyone sees eveything differently. Be it our partners, siblings n even our parents. We were conditioned by different people n beliefs adopted were mostly not ours.

Perhaps i was given approval long time ago by this 1 person. Only his/her own limitedness prevent him/her from recognising it n saying it to me with love. Because they themselves were not taught to love themselves. And we can only love others in the limited ways we learn to love ourselves.

J.Lo magnified her journey under microscope so many can take a look beneath. Like me, she too is a healer in her own way. As she boldly recognised her limited love for herself, n work on it, she start the ripples of love to awaken us all.

Though humans’ love may not be as huge and unconditional as our Creator, I applaud each and everyone of us for learning to expand in that category.

Let’s start each new day to breathe in love n let go of stuff that no longer work for our highest good.

Have fun, experimenting.
Stay consciously aware.

And have a blessed Ramadan.

Love,

Lina.

P. S: my recent wanderings r shared onto Instagram.com/linamasrina