102 – I cannot love another until…

I learn to love myself…
I guess there were periods of lows in life that I tried to sleep my life away. Do the things I need to do such as fulfilling my responsibilities and then go back to binge-ING.
Bingeing on food, TV shows, movies, books, anything that can keep my mind away from Reality of now.
It became a habit. I turned into a couch potato. I care less about my personal hygiene. Bathing felt like a heavy chore. And I looked forward to slumber in my bed with all my new Bingeing habits.
I turned off the world. And I cave into my comfy little world.
In spite of that, social life was very minimal. And loving suitors came in abundance. 
Part of me felt a hint of loneliness, tuning off the world but a part of me wants to keep me to myself.
Many times, I want to submerge this person I’ve been. Like a zombie. I live looking forward to the trivial entertainment to shut off the reality.
I felt the need to wear it off. Whatever low season it was. And I never can love another until I learn to love myself.
And these loving suitors are truly delicious temptations but I cannot foresee getting into a relationship when I’m Off balanced. 
I rather be with myself. And if the monsters within me started coming out, I’m OK with it all.
Because I knew myself. I don’t have to explain to another. And I cannot get into a relationship just because I’m lonely or needy to satiate my deeper desires.
I know what a relationship entails and I do not wish to see it crumble before it actually begins.
I realised a woman can be destructive if she wants to. And believe me, it’s pretty nasty.
And so…. 
I cannot love another until I learn to love myself. Loving myself is a responsibility I need to start learning. Because until I learn to love myself, I will continuously look for another human to love me. But when they do love me, I might not be able to receive their love well because I may not be a good receiver or giver of love. I may have many illusions about love that causes fear to enter and so I might not be able to identify their kind intentions and love. 
And how I love myself is what I’m gonna continue attract in people. So I have to learn to love myself before I love another. 
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