Can fantasy outrun reality?

Sometimes fantasy cannot outrun reality.

When life does not seem to meet my expectations and I started hitting myself with deep introspect of my life choices…..

I realised I’ve grown too small. Too small in hope no one bothers me with their challenges. As a child good at cleaning messes including others, I’ve been thrown all kinds of challenges to the point, I grew fearful of being big.

I don’t want to be seen. I don’t want to shine light on me. I don’t want peeps to discover me. But mainly I don’t want peeps to come to me with their baggages and I cannot say no to their faces.

What if I become big with money and success? Even with the little money I earn, bees seem to be swarming me as though I got a pot full of honey.

Heck, I’m barely living with my mediocre part time wages as a teen but that does not stop adults from bullying me into giving me theirs or solving their money issues.

I cannot say no. I will be guilt tripping as if it’s my main responsibility living on earth, until I say yes. The burden I carried when I was younger, it felt as if I was feeding the world.

No wonder, most times, I escape by explorations. And when the time come to fly, I did and never looked back.

Growing wiser in age…

Will I guilty trip my kids later in life? Will I make them my sandwich gen? Will I ever be a burden to them? Will I be a child having separation anxiety when they became busy with their own lives and families?

Will I continue explore the world? Will I stop my curiosity and grew sappy?

Or perhaps wandering about the world was just to escape the philandering responsibilities peeps love to throw at me? What if the illusions fade and I’m faced with the limiting reality I have not actively invested or partake?

So many never ending questions about the unknown, the future…

Are these questions ceaselessly creating worries plaquing my mind? Is my mind too empty to add all these unnecessary worries to muck about?

I choose to be this small. I choose to have a small house and family. I choose not to have debt. I choose to buy what is needed and not to splurge to feed my every fickle wants. I choose, I choose, I choose….

Where did I go wrong?
Am I truly happy?

So many questions, it feels like I needed another lifetime to answer them all….

when life seems to be shorten by the passing day… All I ended up with is just…

Hmm….

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