46 or 64?

What is life? Is it a desire to live? Is it an innate intention to exist? Is it to fulfill whatever is destined for me? To live is to see death in everything and resolute to renew birth?

I’ve seen elders full of life living life with much sunshiny zest and passion.

And then, they pass through an event or series of events, a forced transition that seemed to swallow them whole and then, they became a complete new person, frailed and vulnerable in their everyday, seemed helpless and hopeless. As if, they were awaiting their death sentence.

What happened? Are they surrendering fully? Do they knew something? Did they agree to partake in something? Did death come with a warning?

How do you garner energy to face what’s to come? How do one reset their intentions to live? When everything has been done and experienced, why do homecoming felt so scary?

I used to listen to scary stories about what happened before, during and after death through Islamic perspectives. Though my perspectives of the Creator changed for the better, it still scares me.

And I cannot fathom, being buried underneath 6 feet, leaving your loved ones. Felt alone, hopeless, helpless and had to go through what was arranged for me, according to my deeds on earth. The hereafter is my report book.

How can I believed I’m a good person when I’ve committed a million sins? How can I believed I have a good heart when I have a million toxic thoughts?

Though I’m only 46, I felt like I’m 64, now. Unsure if slathering endless cosmetic miracles on my face can help keep the healthy vigour and youthful complexion, but deep down, the desire to live seems to be fading.

The world grew exponentially drastic and different than what I imagined. I have expanded beyond and now I become more limited than I ever wanted. I’ve done whatever I desired. Truly grateful for this colorful life. What more can I ask for?

Everyday, I felt the desperation to ignite the zest and passion again. But I felt waned. I felt stoic, nonchalant and perhaps numbed. Not curious nor intrigued.

Sometimes, I borrowed my son’s eyes to see life different than mine. Hoping for a flicker of curiosity to be ignited.

As one grew older, some desire to get closer to the Creator. I changed so much and too fast that, I slow-mo myself in that category.

The old fear of past belief resurfaced- When one is close to heaven, in deeds, they are also close to hell. The line is not blurred but one can mistakenly take 1 wrong step and end up in the wrong destination. And then the way to redemption is throughly complicated and arduous. Exhausting, if one fell into this pattern repetitively.

There were many times, “enemies” appeared that questioned by sincerity in forgiving them and myself. I felt as if I transgressed back to childhood, being unforgiving and being in chaotic emotional ride, tantrum throwing in public and private.

I’ve experienced many dark nights and that does not meant, I’m any wiser in the affairs of the living. Nor do I feel any different towards journey of light.

Will peeps who believed they are broken in childhood ever experienced wholeness? Will peeps who witnessed life through cages and pain, ever experienced joy and freedom? Will those who have been dumped into poverty, ever felt gratitude in a daily growth of abundance and wealth?

Will we ever tame our ego and pride? Can we live without desires, without feeling like a zombie? Will we ever turn into a new leaf with many distractions and attractions musing us to do otherwise?

If man was born good, why then did we lose our way as we grow in age? Did wisdom delude us or intelligence was at peak when we were babies?

Life on earth is meant to be a test for us. But it seems as though, sometimes, we failed a thousand times, making silly mistakes and habitual toxic patterns. Getting up again, feeling like a failure and restart life anew.

Do we ever change and transformed? Do we deserve redemption and second chances?

Does the quest for materialistic things truly make us happy or compelled us to doom ourselves into endless loans and repayment?

I used to believe humans are intelligent life forms. Now, not so, anymore.

Do leaders of the world really want the best for mass served under their leadership, or just selfishness, greed for power, wealth etc hidden beneath?if so, when, will it ever be enough? Though many noted, we cannot bring wealth into our graves, the thought of working hard for the good of many future gen and egoic achievements (to be marvelled by many) seem to fuel the desire of many in power.

But there are many equally good who desire the opposite and do whatever it takes to stay humble in being a servant to the Creator in their every undertakings.

Every breath is a choice. Everyday we are tasked to make good choices. Every life is plentifully grace with abundance and love. We just need to be aware and ensure, we see life though open heart, mind, spirit and body alongside gratitude, blessings and love.

But mainly, be super gentle and kind to ourselves. Believe it or not, we have grown exponentially in body, heart, mind and spirit. If you don’t believe me, look back and compare.

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