What I really feel like saying….

Growing up, mom taught me to be nice to everyone especially to people who were not nice to us.

Sometimes that niceness had decorative and extensive “politeness”… according to their age and “status” in the families…

Many times, I suppressed my emotions just so I won’t disrupt the “peace” of my surroundings (to cohesively sync with my mom’s wishes) with my “uproars” in vicinity of visitors or strangers or even people I/we dislike.

The outside peace was easily maintained but the “peace” within me was slowly disintegrating.

I’m not sure if it’s an Asian, Muslim or whatever culture, movement, or even family upbringing thingy.

But I remember when I cannot pretend to be nice especially to people who were “not nice” to us (who constantly bugged us and taking advantage of our “goodness”)….

I left abruptly.

I just don’t understand why my mom and my stepdad can be so nice to people holding out knives to carve their hearts out.

I guess their hearts are much “bigger” than mine for they love everyone unconditionally.

Anyway, my mom knew that was the best I can do and leave me alone without urging me to smile and pretend further.

As I grew older and more matured while embracing my empathic side, I cannot tolerate any hint of play-pretend, “bullshit” and lies. Two-faced peeps are a no-no for me. Including narcistic, egoistic, “day-vampires” and “toxic” people (my own list of “non-positive” people to avoid)

I’ve done my fair share of voicing out my honest thoughts and feelings and had my friends ran away with anger.

Honesty does not really pay well for me back then.

Meanwhile, I learn and adapt and resort to create an “escape plan” to prevent such patterns of recurrence. I leave first before they do.

And then I started to journal my experiences.

I observe as much. I tweak my “escape plans” further and eventually build walls. The walls were so thick and long and deep that even I myself forgot its existence because it felt so comfy for so many years. I was well protected.

Only the closest ones can see my tears, anger and assortments of funky emotions I cannot even label.

So when I was a crew with Blaire Singer years back, it became a series of crewing for Blaire Singer’s programs. And one of the part I love best was- “What I feel like saying” segment…

We, crews get together before starting our day and say whatever we feel like saying with no judgement towards each other.

And then I went to “Money and You” program, more such tools were practised with likeminded entrepreneurs.

But I still cannot communicate what I really felt. Because truthfully all the fancy smorgasbord of gibberish words that are non-existent in the dictionary or minds of men will be expressed openly which will leave not only others’ mouths gaping wide, mine as well.

And those might not even have meanings other than meanings i gave them which are just expressing the emotions residing within me. (And I don’t even want to explain myself)

I don’t want to be nice. It’s tiring to be nice. I just want to say what I feel like saying without having to be judged or coached or positive or changed or sugar coated or “be-nice-so-as-not-to-hurt-others” whatever….

That request may not be successful especially in Singapore. We strive to be a nation of nice people.

I do anger management from time to time. Cos if I don’t let it out, my “empaths” kids will feel it and expressed “my anger” in their “intolerable” ways.

They already knew how to express their own anger and (emotions) and we gave each other space and time for that.

Lately I forgot to take some personal “time-out”…. I was gonna explode.

Like a volcano full of lava on the verge of vomitting out my anger…

I was amongst spiritual empathic friends. And I was silent as usual observing before talking… and one of them took the words out of my mind.

He hugged me and whispered to me…

“Lina, if you feel like swearing, go for it. Let it out of your system. You can go to that portion of the forest and scream as loud as you can and then you can come back and share the truth of what you feel like saying. You know I love you no matter what.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. And “soul-to-soul” eye contact was exchanged. I felt as if my soul “bowed” in gratitude of his empathic understanding.

It’s ok to be that angry child.

Or that sad child or even that tantrum-throwing or attention-seeking child…

I don’t even have to explain myself.

I’m just a soul doing my best to be human.

Meanwhile if I grew silent and suddenly disappear out of your radar…

You already knew what I really feel like saying…

Just open your heart and feel me.

Meanwhile, I will do my best to express my honesty and authentic-ness the best I can.

If not verbal, it will be one of those neverending text messages or written memos, or “love letters”…

Be patient with me.

For i know…

what people think of me is none of my business.

and people who really matters,
Will stay, hold my hands and love me for whatever i am.

what do you really feel like saying,

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