When I was broken and hurt badly, I started being aware of the peeps constantly hurting me and how I attracted them.

I used to attract a conglomerate of betrayers. One after another. The moment I turned my back, I got betrayed. The moment I wasn’t aware or unguarded , i was betrayed. The moment, I started trusting a new person, I got betrayed.

The pattern continues until I had enough.

The reality was, I was the initial betrayer. I betrayed myself by friending them in the first place. There are always signs and hints for such peeps. The traits can be seen no matter how they hid, subtle but clear.

I betrayed myself first by denying the signs I noticed inherent in them. I betray myself first by giving out approval without due security work. I betray myself first by choosing such poor quality of peeps to be around me. I’m a feeler, sensitive to energy. I know if peeps lie to me. And I allow them to lie to me even though I knew, I pretend to be ignorant =Self betrayal.

(Sometimes being a martyr won’t change anyone if they don’t want to change, no one can change any others if they themselves do not want to or ever hope to. Why sacrificed yourself when they don’t even love themselves n you, enough to cherish the friendhip or whatever ship they have with you? ).

So often, I noticed, they gossip about others in my presence. And I disliked gossips because it’s toxic. And for sure, a pattern never lies. And definitely whenever there is chance, they will gossip about me too. And I allowed that to happen? Why? My worthiness? My self depreciatng lies I told myself? Or I lied to myself thinking they will change Eventually. How can anyone ever trust someone with a mouth that cannot be trusted? Mouth full of lies can spread toxicity and also kill.

And that naive me, I always believed every human is good. The one not good is my beliefs about them. So even if they did something wrong, I will do my best to justify them. First sign of betrayal – me.

I also noticed their energies do not sync with me nor align in any direction, path or mission. But cos I’m a big empathiser, I allow them to be in my vicinity. Sometimes, I include my loved ones as well. Second betrayal – allowing toxic peeps enter your inner circle or know your family.

Third betrayal – always on forgiving mode even if they had cast numerous doubts to their loyalty to me, openly. Isn’t this a sign of betrayal on boomerang mode?

Im not sure if I’m just daft or truly practicing what was taught to be in Islam – being patient. Even when they stomp upon you like crackers. Even when they lied to you in the open, thrust a knife on your back a thousand times, and hurt not just you but your family with their lies and make beliefs drama, I swallowed them whole, just bear with it thinking, my patience will change them, somehow.

There is always a line of distinction of madness and sanity. Thinking by doing certain things over and over again hoping that it will change something is madness (Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results).

By allowing some peeps called friends cloaked in enemy skins, backstabbing me in the open, hidden and even hurting my loved ones is definitely beyond redemption of any kind. Somewhere out there, there was a victim me crying out for help, drowned in blood. And who did I choose to rescue? The betrayer.

So from an empath to a Warrior, I needed to learnt lots in fast pace. I had to uncover and unfold the betrayer in me first. Acknowledging is half a battle already won.

Why? I may not see or feel my own wounds LIVE in action (sometimes numb, stoic due to constant hurt) but do I wish the same to happen for my next gen, my kids? No.

So to prevent the pattern from repeating in other generations… (I do not desire to create a long line of wimpy gen)…

I seek deeper answers as to why I allow such things to happen to me. Why did I betray myself first? Did my first caretakers or parents betray me? What were the early betraying events that hurt me the most? When did I lose my own trust? Why did I go against my instincts or gut feel in choosing friends? Was I thinking of lack? Was I earning some form of heaven merits or God’s approval? Why do I think I am worthy to be betrayed? And many more….

As the answers showed up, ridiculously or not, I was beginning to understand the beliefs I adopted. As I heal parts of me regarding this, I decided that I shall listen to my own inner GPS.

Perhaps, humans are the most ridiculous lot or sadist. Self-harm in anyway is never a good thing. How we were thought to care for ourselves depend heavily upon those who first care for us. But as we adult up, we can release those methods, beliefs and whatever that no longer serve our highest concern and welfare. It’s time to warrior up, dear empaths of the world.

Lets not allow anyone to bully us, beginning with ourselves first.