Lately as I navigate my midlife challenges and witnessing my body, mind, heart and spirit gliding onto a slower pace….

I had intent in 2019 to start podcasting after my mom’s passing but grief took me on a different path. I had done only 3 episodes with the Soul Rich Woman with my mentor ( a successful Singapore pageant Queen and paid about 7k for it). They upload everything but I do not and cannot muster enough energy to continue. Thus, I procrastinate. And before I knew it, its 5 years….

In between…I felt beckoned to come home to God and be closer to Him through Islam religion. Thus I went to Umrah -Mecca, Medina and Jerusalem with my sons -1st timers) on a diy trip and later solo explore the middle eastern countries and my dream country-Egypt.

Then after, I understood . One reason I cannot proceed was the name of the podcast was conflicting with my recent relearning of Islam. Warrior Goddess was a nick I embraced when I was volunteering in Warrior Camps. It was just a nick I had not thought about seriously. Because it was used for all female volunteers.

Anyway, that nick clash with my belief in Islam and I had to remove that but I was not able to… because the podcast was not done by me and I was not able to connect with the technical staff . So I leave it as that.

So to restart and relearn and remember what was taught 5 years ago, took a toll on me. The equipment is still intact, novelty in its boxes -scarlett focusrite, audio technica, condenser and dynamic mic … then the business plan, the whatever was a bit much that my brain got sore even before I start prepping my scripts. I’m a writer first. To speak spontaneously I can do with 1-1 or small groups of clients. But to speak mass publicly and spontaneously, I fear I might go off track. And many other fears popped up.

In the end the fear weigh so heavily that I ended up months just to set up, another set of months to think of outline and plans, many months later to even start recording…. and not forgetting the editing. YIKES??!!!

All these even before I get a single listener, I’m already heavily bogged by the responsibilities…. and commitment.

Also my arms are aching from my mundane boredom of just setting up and preparing and not publishing. And getting a year older soon, (a virgo btw) i felt my motivation is fleeting. Nonpositive thoughts soon filled up my brain space. What for? who wants to listen to an old woman like me? What’s the purpose? It’s a lot of work. And it may not be successful.

I even bought a cheaper set for my youngest to podcast his self-made songs in hope that by watching his vigor in pursuing his dreams, I too felt motivated and empowered . It was, for a while and then I slummed myself back onto the procrastinator Queen identity.

Perhaps this time, voicing myself out in topics about my broken-ness, I felt super vulnerable. I thought in early 40s, we became more sensitive and intuitive but reaching 50, I felt more acceleration towards that path that everything opens itself to me, that I felt as if it gets too personal in my face. The world became too stimulating for me that I cocoon myself at home, happy alone with a huge cup of hot soothing tea. The dream of covering all other 196 + countries no longer entice me. I felt as if I’ve seen it all and done it all. And humans regardless of our differences, if we get to connect with each other, we realized we all want the same things. ..to be loved, respected, to have hope for better future, the means, wealth and abundance to achieve our dreams and live comfortably for ourselves and our families whom we are responsible for.

I was slightly sluggish, perhaps 2 kg more than my normal weight and I felt super lazy to even get out of bed. I felt heavy, tired, weary from the drama the world portrays itself through media, news and streaming channels. I noticed not just the celebrities but my peers are aging and lines can be seen in their faces and their fit shape too has grown. Of course, then it brought back the awareness to myself. And fear clouded my day -oh no, I looked older. And if I did not exercise well or aware of my breathing, I noticed that sometimes, I didn’t even breathe properly, sometimes super shallow that I can feel my heart struggling when climbing stairs. I then think -How did my late mom do this? I know she drinks “jamu” (indonesian herbal drink in powdery form) a few times, weekly. And she exercise with her home bike. And she had 4 seasons to go through yearly. Right now, the idea of being in air-conditioned room full day, scares me cos I felt all sorts and if I didn’t wear proper sweater or socks, I might get imbalanced . Like a tin man, rusty on all sides, I cannot even turn the fan fully on me sleeping in Asia (where we are summer all year round) with my joints cranky and body sweating all over.

And what about preparing for menopause? Some of my friends are early. Some of them are like me, later. And reading the signs on media are not helping. I only read when I have some imbalances. In hope I can prepare for hot flushes but in Asia, women are often having issues with joints and muscle pains etc rather than that. Whatever positivity I had programmed myself to be, was thrown out of the windows as I age older and “wiser”.

The growing old idea that we ended up being invisible, helpless and a burden is plaguing me. I hope I continue exploration till my last breath. But to do so, I have to be healthy enough and happy.

Anyway back to my podcast about broken people… I do not know if I have the energy to complete what I’m going to start. Perhaps, I just do it for a year of 52 episodes, weekly once. And see where it leads me.

Oh btw, I won’t be energy healing anyone, anymore. I’m just going to coach, teach/instruct peeps to heal themselves by the emotion and body code. As mentioned previously this is one of the modalities that do not clash or conflict with Islam ( a religion of monotheism) .It’s science. We use kinesiology , muscle testing and prodding on deep intuitive questions to find the roots and causes of imbalances and peel layers of our illusions and psyche to get to our truths and authenticity to heal fully and be whole. I believe every malady, imbalances, diseases, issues, problems in our lives have solutions provided for by the Almighty, God on this earth and in our reality. Our role is to have hope, continue exploring, learn, experimenting with love and then when we solved them, have the courage and boldness to share with others through empowerment.

My words for you- do what you want now. Especially in youth, don’t wait to do it when you retire. Create your bucket list now and do it. There is no need to step on other humans or hurt them to get what you want or fulfil your dreams. The world is enough for everyone to manifest their desires. Its full of abundance. Strip down your fears and start seeing through eyes of love and gratitude. Breathe the good, expunging the old and whatever no longer serving you especially beliefs, and old patterns of habits .

When you do not have answers being comfy in your own world, then get out, start expanding, start learning from groups of successful people you seldom meet. Go out of comfort zones to seek answers. I was very comfy in my Islamic world that I don’t have the need to learn from outside that zone. But God knows best and sometimes, He has to allow some breaking and brokenness to happen to us- break our own self-made limitations and start expanding our bodies, minds, spirits and hearts to be better humans than we already are. I also judge peeps easily decades ago and after exploring with many worlds of people of myriad cultures and faiths, I dare not judge anyone. Because assumptions only make asses out of you and me. And who am I to judge? what right do I have?

Only our Creator has the right because He creates us and He knows us better than we know ourselves. There is no such thing as superior race or humans. Discriminations should not occur because some of us are wealthier, living in 1st world country of convenience, lighter shades of skins, or whatever ways we distinguish ourselves into labels of superiority. Our bloods are still the same red color, regardless our differences, right? If our Prophet Muhammad saw/pbuh is so humbling, respectful of all other races, kind and got a huge heart… that I got teary eyed just reading about him pbuh… And with all the miracles he pbuh , as one of God’s favorite messenger had , he pbuh did not even have an ounce of ego and pride, I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking I am better than anyone else.

If you look carefully at leaders of the world who wage war, they are actually puppets. Real masterminds are actually behind them masking their truths and intentions, making the decisions. And the stupidest ideas of unnecessary violence and destructions are created out of leaders who never truly grow. They are actually wounded children. Someone had hurt them and they in return want to inflict their pain upon the world as revenge. Can you imagine a world that is run by wounded children? Ponder upon that.

We too, unmasked our wounded children within us when we are not balanced. Most of us are not even aware.

Anyway, have fun thinking about what I shared… and take what feels right for your life. Again, I’m a work in progress human. I do my best to walk my talk. I too can make mistakes. what I shared, is what I intuitively felt needed to be expressed. may or may not help you in your life. Have fun, experimenting.