I am struggling so much recently. I grew up believing in my own self made racial prejudice because of what I’ve observed and experienced as a child.

I’m of mixed race. I don’t think any of us are pure breed 🙂 I believed we all come from 1 man, Adam pbuh. Thus we have all myriad race in our dna. So why bother to segregate n discriminate? I believe – No 1 race is better than another.

Anyway… My false beliefs were – Malays are bullies. I don’t trust them. They don’t have integrity. They are selfish and willing to trample over peeps just to get what they want. They believed in lack and r always limited in their thinking. I distrust them because they often take me for granted especially my naivety. And they discriminate and judge others terribly. They envy and emit jealousy rather than bless their own peeps for their successes. They used their intelligence not for the betterment of mankind but for selfish reasons n own gain to manipulate, scheme and hurt the weak ones. I never feel safe with a Malay person. U never know when they gonna back stab u. And many more…

Or course, it’s not true. Only certain peeps corroded my positivity. And I shouldn’t generalise them all as bad. In fact, Malay race is one of the gentlest peeps with big hearts, they are also one who opens doors to weary travellers n willing to sacrifice any comfort for their guests, even if they are strangers. If u don’t believe me, visit Malaysia and Indonesia, South Africa Malays and experience their hospitality. (InsyaAllah I want to visit Cocos, Xmas, n Cambodia Malays)…

The toxic beliefs I’ve made were garnered from my own experiences especially when i was a child. Anything below 10 yrs of age is often deeply engraved, deep in our psyche.

My first caretaker was a Malay family, she was negligent and I was tortured physically and mentally by her kids. When my mom was a single mom, she faced the worst treatments from her own race because of her status. My own family showcased the above as I grew up. And of course with such toxic blueprint on Malays, I attract the same for friends. Even a 20 year old friendship got burnt because of all these.

So I often seek non Malays in all my work and life. I felt freer to be my true self with them. Anyway, as I work on healing myself, I work upon these beliefs as well.

But recently, I decided to work upon on my faith and the main obstacle facing me was going back to my community – Malay Muslims. Of course, I can take the easy way by avoiding them. But it was easier to integrate with them because for example, the first Umrah after a very long time (last year) .. Most Islamic travel agencies I knew are owned by Malays. And in Islam, mazhab we adhere to may be different for different races. Thus, its best to re-learn from familiar ground.

I thought I had worked upon the roots and causes of such toxic blueprints I had of my own race. But there were remnants still left because it showcased itself in Umrah.

For example- for absolute no reason, some peeps (strangers in my umrah troupe) did their best to find issues with me n truly did their bit to test my patience. Accusations thrown upon me were mixed of blunt, sharp and wounding.

And I was an independent wanderer, a lone wolf, not hanging much with the group, dining nor anywhere with anyone n I truly did my best not to step on anyone’s toes. But still, I attract the expected results faced when I was a child.

So in all the chaos of trying to balance pilgrimage and current harmony with my troupe, I went away for a day on my own. I shared my pain with the Almighty. After letting out my woes, I felt better and I felt the only way to solve it, was to give some unconditional love to those who torment me.

It worked. Somehow, everything changed a 180 degrees. The more they disliked me, the more I helped them. Eventually all is well.

Coming back fully to Singapore and it’s Muslim community because of Ramadan, keeps me on an edge. Because this beliefs kept “seesaw” within me. I still have some doubts.

Anytime it frayed to its toxicity, I can see almost immediately it being manifested in my reality.

For example – Terawikh. We stand so close to one another. (I learnt in Warrior Camps – nothing is a mistake or coincidence. The strangers we attract around us, are actually our own manifestations. May also be from our own vibrations.)

There is always a reason why we attract /pray/solat with certain groups.

Also… When we get so close, we tend to over share. And sometimes we annoy each other. But of course, we do our bestest to forgive and forget because it’s Ramadan after all. All these trivialities are actually lessons to learn/unlearn.

Sometimes my inner child resurfaced with past wounds. And in fear of old troubles popping up again with the Malays. I turn on my auto defensive mode. I then knew another set of toxic beliefs has risen to the surface in need of healing.

We took a lifetime to engraved these beliefs into our subconscious. To protect ourselves and for self preservation. But to remove them, we often want the easy fix. Not easy. Need to peel the many layers to get to the deep down. To face them and dig up the roots of the weeds. And also to be kind to self and take baby steps.

I’m not sure if ever I can eradicate all the toxic beliefs I self create in my lifetime. Because patterns we attract and manifested in reality are actually our own.

(for example – if u keep attracting passive, stoic partners, perhaps they resembled one of your parents/ caretakers u grew up with. To stop the same pattern from happening, is to be aware n make peace with the past n change ur beliefs. Get a coach/energy healer specialised in this, if u need help).

But I’m giving it my best shot. The Malay peeps I’ve met recently are amazing, wonderful and filled with so much love and kindness.

I have to learn to remove my defensive vibes and stay comfy with them. After all, I have this race in my dna.

What about you? Do you have such issues growing up? If a certain group of humans trigger you daily, there is a reason to look in depth. Perhaps there is an unfinished business that needs to be looked at.

Of course, we can either partake actively by immersing and hanging with them publicly or we can also do privately – meditation of cleansing towards these groups that aggravate towards us by imagining them facing us and we say to them – I’m sorry, please forgive me. Thank you. I love you (ho’oponopono style).

Hope that helps. Have fun. Be curious, warrior.

P. S: My age is reaching the big 50. And following the beloved Prophet, pbuh, our existence hang about his age of passing pbuh approx 63.

So I asked myself what will I do, if I have left only that long to live? I felt blessed to get whatever I want, the abundance, the countries visited, the strangers met, the self-help programs alongside warrior camps n more. Learning whatever I wanted and having the means to specialised in healing and more. My family also benefitted alot from all these adventures. I felt as if there is nothing left on my bucket list. And so, I decided to rekindle an old love of mine.

I recently written a new blog about a new endeavour (it’s not truly new, my old blog of such interest was gone-something celik Quran).

Anyway this new repeated path – It was based on a promise made In Jerusalem last year. The endeavour was something I stopped a long time ago because I was lost n felt so unworthy.

This activity is something I love to do. Not only did it help me physically, all others like heart, mind n soul are also interchanging for the better. Especially in our fast pace world of info, peeps can get lost n stressed n imbalanced n depressed esp mentally. This activity truly helps. If u think, mantra n meditations help u, this is another level, beyond.

I used to think only selected few can do this but I got “invited” again and again until I was ashamed to say no to the Almighty. I roped in my kids to join me so I won’t be alone again in this.

If u r a Muslim, perhaps this may inspire u 2 start ur own journey of hifz : hifzwarrior.blogspot.com

(if u randomly browse my post n chance upon this, I believed it’s meant to be… perhaps u too r invited to start ur own journey of hifz. Who knows?

(Arent u exhausted by the world? Felt like never ending turmoil happening everywhere. This activity helps to keep us in balance n in constant connection with the Creator. Recent activities truly wear me out. I visited Jerusalem last year and whatever happens to them recently affected me badly. Feeling helpless n hopeless unsure how to help, I can only pray and supplicate with all my heart. Such evilness happening, tortured us, sensitive souls cos we feel greatly the vibes in n of the world. Sometimes we expand our weight to keep our grounding. Some empaths can get fat easily even though they don’t eat much or eat healthy n get fit regularly. )

Anyway, if u r here in this blog post… N If u r a non-Muslim, perhaps u r also invited to read the Quran?

Everything happens for a reason, a blessing and Miracles.

Also as I’m getting “wiser” in Age, I tend to be more long winded than usual. I actually dislike editing my own words. Clumsy fingers on iphone/Huawei. Many typo. The perfectionist within me gets impatient easily too.

Thank u for bearing with me. May we be blessed with the best in life and hereafter always. Amiin.