The first love. The first ultimate betrayal.

Lately…. 

I’ve been having these dreams where my spirit soared and searched for my first love. 

And every time, she searched, she came up empty. I often wonder, why do I need to meet him, after all these years? 

Perhaps, I wanted to ask him – “Is it worth it, losing me, our love, friendship and everything we build, overnight? Is it worth it? Are you happy hurting me? “

I have absolved all connections with him when his wife “attacked me” (it was a misunderstanding and I understood her reaction.)…. thinking I wanted to be with him and taking him away to the land of the unfaithful… 

I desire no such thing and have no such intentions. There was no reason to. 

To me…

he died, the very day he betrayed my love… (age:19). 

We grew up thru high school being best buddies and all. I had high hopes that at least not for love but for friendship, he will do everything to protect me from harm and especially from the unkind world and definitely betrayal of any kind. 

But instead, he was the one inflicting the greatest wound on me… By betraying me and all that we have build together in love and life adventures. 

There was no way, we can ever get back together. My crushed heart was never the same after that. I was never the same. It felt that I died together with the love I so carefully nurtured and cherished. 

Thinking back on his wife’s accusations…. 

Traveling the world had garnered me delicious lovers in all beautiful colors. Why do I want to seep into old tales of love and limitations? 

He was just a boy who loved me, once. And I perhaps, gullible in love, loved him too. And that was it. That ultimate betrayal taught me to never trust a boy/man or even believed in love.

But that was ages ago…. 

Back then, I was not great at expressing or sharing myself, perhaps I’ve hidden “my voice” on this, all this while. 

Recently, when I tapped into these old wounds, I felt a roaring rage within. Hidden from public, it has quietly hid my emotional rage amazingly well. I didn’t feel it. It was in layers beneath layers.

Upon truth revealed, the volcanic mountain wanted to erupt. Out loud, boldly. Like a lion, I wanted to roar out my pain. Unleashed these madness that lay hidden beneath me. It’s toxicity running thru my veins daily without recognition nor acknowledgement.

I felt like laying out all the blame of the world upon him. I felt the need to kill him slowly with guilt. But all I did was hurting myself while hanging on to all these wounds.

He was one of the reasons, I no longer believed in love. I had so much distrust with men growing up but I opened up to loving him thinking he was different. He was not.

I sugar-coated my love story trying to see in his perspectives but I cannot. Nothing can justify him stabbing me with his betrayal. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

My partial journal shared:

“It felt rejection in the most cruelest way. My own heart going against me. To subject me with that much humiliation and betrayal, then I knew right then, his love was never true. I know I was never amongst the right people. But I thought he was my people. But he betrayed me. He betrayed me. I never got back up after that. Though it felt easy for me to let go, deep down, it’s eating me, deeply inside.

I never love another like I loved him. I lost all hope in love, after that. 

The very one thing I was prepared to die for. Was the very one thing that felt like… he trust the knife in my back. 

He should had mustered whatever courage and boldness alongside balls to fight them and say no but he didn’t. Like a wimp, he surrendered almost immediately and it felt like he was waving me the white flag to our love story and smiling at the same time. 

I thought it was us against the world. But it was never us. It was always me, on my own. 

In my heart whispers – 

“Come with me and I knew your love is true and will never falter. I knew then, you have my back and always will and I shall trust that you will fulfill your promises, always. And so will I.

But you didn’t. 

You always run after me after every quarrel/misunderstanding. But that day, you didn’t. I ran back all alone in the rain, drenched in tears paralysed by shadows of your betrayal.”

I thought I had forgiven him when I dreamt he died. But I didn’t. Perhaps his death in my dream was to release me from his clutches of love. From the pretense of the word love or that he loved me. But I can no longer justify his actions nor keep him in my good books. I had to obliterate my every memory of him. I cannot let him stay rent-free in my head and in my heart.

How did love turned to hate?

How did something so innocent and beautiful turned and bit its own tail?

How did I become this way?

I felt the hatred gushing thru my heart and my gut and my lower abdomen and chakras. It felt so toxic and black. I have to heal this.

And to heal this first, is to intent that I want to forgive him, me and us. I want to let go everything toxic about this. 

I cannot start anything with anyone if my foundation is decayed and unstable. I will always keep looking back, for fear someone will thrust a knife in me.

Dear God, help me heal this fully. I want to release me, him and everything between us. Don’t allow the purity and wonderful love be polluted by this or any of my life experiences. I deserved to be loved by wonderful men. Men, amazing humans who only have love for me and want the best things for me. 

Men in all forms of relationships, brothers, friends, fathers, acquaintances, grandparents, companions, neighbours, biz partners, wanderers, soulmate, lovers, husbands, sons, strangers, passersby…and, many more. Let the healing starts today.

To whoever in concern, I forgive you, I forgive me and everything between us. I set you free, I set us free. You are free. And I am free. Though I have no wish of any connection in all forms, I acknowledge that… 

All is well between us. Thank you. 

For my readers…. 

Have you even been betrayed so deep that your body quiver at its rampage-Ness and felt broken cos great damages were done to your being?

These wounds are not who we are. It’s time to let go of anything relating to this identity. Yes, by holding onto them, creates reminders of the brutal past (so we won’t make the same mistakes again) but they also can attract patterns of similarities. 

But mainly, we can never commit to love if we held onto something so toxic. Instead of its wondrous benefits, it became poison. 

If I mistrust love, then what is life all about? 

Isn’t love the key of life? 

Love is with open heart and spirit, immerse fully, deeply and with open arms in trust and faith. 

Love,

Lina

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