Day 63 – Being nice

Day 63…
what I feel like saying…
I used to feel like I was the unwanted child in my family. 
Father wanted a boy. Mother meanwhile, was never present to guide me and my truth especially my feminity or even show that my existence was good enough. 
She was never there for the important things in my life. I often had to figure it out on my own. 
So I ended up craving for a complete family, one who loves me for who I truly am. 
Everywhere I go, I seek loving families. And these families embraced me. But it’s only for a short while. I fear if I stayed long enough, they figure out my “ugly truth” and learn to dislike me as well. 
That was the illusion I carried within me aka as my wound. 
Boyfriends, lovers who were good for me will have mothers who did not truly love or care for me but pretend for the sake of their sons. To them, I’m just a fancy phase that will pass by. 
Truth shine once we broke up. 
I then grew in fear that I will never be accepted by the mothers of the world. But I never stopped trying. Fathers were always OK with me. 
I was gullible and naive. I felt the world was full of nice people. And I thought that if I tried as much, eventually they will learn to accept me. Love me, at least a little bit. 
Eventually, i grew tired of all the deception and hypocrisy. I longed for authenticity. And eventually, I gathered my courage and went away in search of my truth. 
This unwanted child wanted to be accepted, approved and loved by her surroundings. 
I often see myself through the eyes of others. I trusted them more than me. I looked upon everyone as better than me. 
I kept thinking, I was the trouble maker of life. And so I become supernice. 
I kept comparing myself with the women of the world. 
I felt like something in me seems to be broken. 
Why can’t I be like that girl, or that woman, who seems to be the perfect daughter that everyone loves?
If life seems unsatisfactory, I thrust the full blame upon myself. I criticised myself. I felt I was always to be blamed. 
Eventually, I gathered all my experiences and… 
I wondered… why do we, women create difficulty for each other? We already knew that it’s not easy being a girl or a woman in our own society. Why can’t we just embrace one another and see each other through the eyes of love? Why can’t we help one another? Why create enmity? 
It took me a long way to truly understand that my beliefs created my world. 
It took me awhile to understand that only when I give myself what I need, will the world follow suit. 
And that means, standing up and say – enough of seeking approval from the world in everything I do , I’m gonna love myself even when no one does. 
And I was stubborn with that. I put my foot on it. 
I don’t care if you don’t like me. This is me. And I love myself. 
Eventually my illusion of unloving world crumbled away. Love comes in myriad ways and forms towards me. 
And if anyone that comes my way doesn’t seem to be pleased or happy with me or think I’m not good enough to be in their lives… It’s OK. That’s their perspectives. I respect that….and I go my own way. 
I don’t have to spend a lifetime changing their minds about me. I don’t want to. 
Why waste my life away? 
What about you? 
In what ways have you been compromising yourself for others’ happiness and love? 
Is it working? Are you happy? 
No one in the world knows how important you truly are. Only you, who have witness every step of your life’s journey knows that. 
So cherish that. Know that you are good enough. And that is enough for the rest of the world. 
Belive me. You are a miracle. 
P. S: Together, let’s awaken our world by being our most authentic, joyous, abundant, loving selves. 
It’s OK, if you don’t belong to the crowd. Belong to yourself is enough. You are ENOUGH.
Be the unique you and shine. You matter. 
We matter. The world need us in our colourful truths. Stand strong. Rise bold. 
Don’t matter if there is anyone with you or supporting you or the fact that you felt unwanted or rejected. 
You don’t need permission to be you. You are a life warrior. Have courage to do what feels right to you.
Stop hiding in the shadows. Stop concealing your imperfections. 
It’s OK if you have unhealed wounds. Resolute to learn/unlearn, grow and heal them. We are all works-in-progress. 
Your existence is important and it is powerful. There is a great purpose/s in you being alive. 
Remember that. 
I may not know you but if I did, I know, I will love you. Because no matter what we are, we each deserved to be loved, seen, heard and matter.
This is what I believe. This is my truth. I’m Honouring it by sharing and spreading my message. 
What is your truth? Get to know, explore. Then, Express and Share it. 
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