Have u ever felt that if u do too much good, u will betray yourself n start being bad?

I’ve observed myself a few times when I was working hard to be a good Muslim- not just what was expected of me but what I thought the world wanted me to be. I will do my very best for years and then it will backfired on me, for the next few years.

Part of me insisting that I’m no angel. And part of me wants to rebel on how I’ve compromised myself to be goody two shoes. And part of me is in fear, wondering if I can be this good for very long. And part of me insisting that this is the only good way to live.

Part of me felt I’m sincere and true. But part of me felt I’m faking it. The world is a stage, so put on your masks and facades.

Sometimes being a teacher, mentor, or someone peeps looked up to, there is always a tiny voice deep inside of me asking – am I worthy of this attention? Am I worthy to teach others? Am I worthy to tell others how to live their life?

Who or what am I that gives me the right to do so?

Looking at my own life, I can see the imperfections.

Sometimes I do good too much that it overwhelms me and I desire to stop n rebel to a pattern I self create or take a long break.

When I have a certain idea of doing good, I get so engrossed in it that I lose track of the balancing act within me. Eventually, I got frustrated when I had to repeat them in a healthy habit. It felt like a burden.

And then when I do take a break, I do not desire to return back to the good habits, I was so intent to engrave in my daily life.

Does this make sense to you?

For example, when being a hifz student , I have to stop doing stuff that involves sins for the eyes, mouth, ears and more… Even more than I am a normal Muslim. Because it can erase what I’ve memorised and “heavy penalty” for my sins. Cos hifz Quran is having Quran in your being n so if u sin then u betray what u have memorised.

So TV, social media is a no no (not all TV programmes/cinema r bad, nature, documentaries can be good but the ads, the “sex in everything” promo, trailers etc… Omg). And night tahajjud prayers is a must.

But come moon time, women are not allowed to pray their 5 times let alone touch the Quran (but we can recite n revised our hifz without the Quran or use tafseer or mobile). It’s like a vacation for me.

And so when moon time is over, it was so hard for me to get back to the old regime. Frustrations set in. Refused to compromise. Rebellion sets in. I thought the battle gets easier as I aged cos I’m supposed to be wiser n be better in religion n faith.

But not really. (I can blame everything to the devil n it’s helpers but, I still need to understand n solve this).

Same for Ramadan. 1 month so good. Do good, be good. And after, back to the normal not so good me. It’s like a never ending struggle.

To end struggle is to stop doing it, right? But if I ever stop that means, I’ve resigned myself n hope of being good daily till death, has been squashed.

Is it just me, the one who got bored easily or does this happen to others as well? Hmm….

I can also insinuate that my sincerity is not present thus the struggle. But whatever. All these r not about boasting my ego, how much goodness I did for the world etc.. but to share the daily struggles of what it meant to be good human. I just hope my scales tip to the good when it’s time.