Growing up, I don’t really understand the meaning of happiness.

My joys were often shortlived. And elders quoting (whenever i laughed out loud) “don’t laugh too much or tears will follow” was not a big help either (or i kept replaying their words in my head to be the “good girl who listens to elders”).

As a child…
Whenever I was happy, my toys were then ripped apart and thrown, when i was starting to believe in happy family, my parents got a divorce, when mom remarried, migration came soon after and separated us. As my blog became a success, my divorce came soon after and many more.

I began questioning myself…

What is the meaning of happiness really? It seems to be a fleeting sensation that comes and go and bring about a shadow as well.

Do i really believe in the polarity of this world that God was some kind of sadistic to shower me with joy just to make me cry, right after?

Growing up, I was known as the girl who frowns a lot. I seldom smiled. But when i do (once in a blue moon), it shines beautifully cutting thru glass hearts and souls (so i was told)…

Do i really know happiness? What does it sound like? Smells like or what colours does it have?

If I don’t know what happiness is then how can i identify it when it enters my life?

Or after happiness, will i not lose myself fully in its joys but wait in the dark for the “shadow” of happiness to return with agony and pain to make me cry? Is this some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy that I have made into some kind of life mantra? Because it has never failed me.

I have to start instiling new beliefs and patterns now. That “selfsabotaging thingy” is no longer serving me.

The same goes for love…

if I don’t know what love is then even if love is “stark naked” in front of me, i would have just pass it by… without even knowing.

Or…
Will i embrace love but kept a space for some form of betrayal to trail behind us?