If you have wandered about my social media, you might have known I’m on a journey into 3 holy lands.

A DIY stay of more than a month in which I have dreamt to fulfil since I was younger (only recently Saudi govt allowed peeps to do umrah/haj without any agency, even women can travel solo without mahram, previously only 45 years old and above can do so). But I was lucky to fulfil mine when I was (19,34) solo but with groups.

To date, all I can say is that this journey together with my teens transforming into men (rite of passage for them)…. Is beyond any warrior camps, personnel development programs of any kind including all the coal walks, glass walks, arrows into neck and many more… globally, that I’ve personally have been and have helped facilitated.

Working with the divine is what I intent because originally I imagined a man in our group. A positive good role model be it a father, grandfather, brother warrior friend I knew…

But lately I’ve changed so fast that not only my surroundings were left in awe, I too was in the same predicament. Thus I surrender with whatever plans I’ve done to the best I can and allow the Divine to guide us the rest. (alhamdulillah, God has brought about many amazing men in our path to teach my kids about their roles as men including this Umrah).

I thought I prepared myself well but amidst the journey I felt my body starting to become imbalanced and unwell. The last straw was Jerusalem where the climate felt so unkind to my body that I felt it was getting worse. Not only that, the energy vibing out of individual cause an effect within and without. Thus in 3 holy lands, there were like hundreds and thousands of peeps wherever.

That I had to retaliate by cocooning myself in solitude.

I kept asking why is this happening?

I only noticed my life and soul essence depleting itself, but with no source to recharge itself. I’ve taught myself to learn breathing techniques, qigong and more. I also learnt retrieving soul loss and energy. But I felt a much deeper introspection need to be done.

For months, I’ve been contemplating this. I’m only 40+but why do I live like I’m 60+?

I’ve been helping peeps from terminal illness before and I noticed their life essence depleting. When it became less than 10%, most of them have either gave up or surrendered their mortality to the Divine or to a cause.

And nothing anyone say can change their minds. I thought – why did I suddenly became like them? Have I given up? What’s going on?

This happened 4 years ago. The day my mom decided to let go, I was feeling all sorts. Even my trip to Hawaii was not done, being the whole me. Then when she left, a big chunk of me left with her and never return no matter what i did. The terminology I gave my kids was like a peanut with no peanuts. Just casing. Empty.

Even with soul rich woman coaching, I struggled to live because of myself, Divine or even my kids. I was focused more on not wanting to be a burden to my kids (fearing old age will burden them to take care of me) rather than live to see the next gen, my grandkids.

This time, I ask God to help me. I cannot do this on my own. In spite of the wealth of knowledge I accrued from various teachers, healers, doctors and more, I cannot seem to be able to solve this issue.

Then i was hit upon a weird dream. In the dream, my empathy has drawn it’s last supply. I cannot even muster my courage nor warrior archetype to protect the people around me who were being massacred for no reason. Even when someone was facing me and shooting me, I felt nothing. Die, die so be it, that’s what I thought.

In the dream, I kept interchange reality and dream. I remembered my warrior camps whereby we facilitated men and women into Warriorhood. I remembered how I became one. And then, I remembered how I became a fearless leader to protect my kids when they were young.

I remembered, when my kids were being bullied, I became a lion and wanted to “attack” whoever responsible. That was the power I felt.

Those memories triggered my inner warrior to come home. My warrior animal is a lion. And so I came face to face with my lion. This time it say – I will stay.

I woke up feeling slightly different. A bit stronger, more grounded not as vulnerable (I was super vulnerable that I felt the winds of jerusalem can blow me away). But I know, more work had to be done.

My inner voice kept telling me, this time is for me. I’ve helped others, willing to sacrifice my comfort for others but this time, I have to do the work for me. Others can take care of themselves.

The reason I was fearless thru out my life, even before I went to warrior camps was because….

I remembered when I was 10. I saw my mom crying. She was bullied at work. And I cannot withstand that. I resolute perhaps made a vow that from now on, I live to protect her (from the bullies) and make her happy so she won’t ever need to shed a tear anymore.

From that day onwards, I live like a little warrior. Nothing can beat me. No matter who bully me or whatever challenges thrown at me, i was able to be strong, bold and courageous because mom was behind me. I had to live at all cost because of my mother.

When she left, the promise/vow release itself. I felt weakened. I know true reason to live is always because of Allah. But if that certainty cannot come, we have to strive at all cost to live because…. (experiment with all reasons to live strong) And when we get stronger, we can slowly transform the intent.

The reason to live is important. Because when we got hit by the challenges of life, whether we get swayed, drowned or affected or not, by it, depends on our intention to live. Especially women, mothers, so often we live because of others. And when they don’t need us, we question our reason to live due to our usefulness.

So many women, I met in their 20s,30s depleted of life energy and essence because they keep giving and giving and not stop to replenish them. We are not robots. We are not seven eleven stores. We need to recharge. We need to resupply our vitality with rest and vacation.

The world knows how to receive. If we ourselves do not know how to stop giving, then who will stop us?

The world also knows how to give. Ask.

Don’t wait until something major happens then we start caring for ourselves. Remember, if we don’t breathe enough, drink enough, rest enough, love ourselves enough, the deficiency will be shown somewhere.

Meaning a debt will always need to be repaid. And if we don’t give our bodies, hearts, minds and spirits what they deserve, they will take what they need from somewhere else and that somewhere else will be deficiency and compound it’s interest till the body can no longer tolerate it and became unbalanced and dis-eases may show itself because we stop listening to our bodies.

That is not right. Don’t wait for such things to happen. If no one listens to you and have treated you invisibly… (some mothers let themselves fall sick so that, their children will un-busy themselves, and take good care of them), then do something about it.

You listen to you. You go and take a break. You go and make yourself happy. Don’t tell me out of 365 days of caring and serving others, you cannot even take a 1-2 week off? (your kids can take care of themselves or let someone else care for them then they realised how important you are .absence makes the heart grow fonder).

Everyone deserves to live. We each have something to contribute to the world with our existence. Don’t subject our mortality to our own limitations. Let that be God’s job (I interchange God with the word divine. I love to use Allah but my readers are of many cultures, races and religions/spirituality. I love to connect with all of them because beneath it all, we all seek the same) .

So, lesson learnt is to Re-intent your life, your purpose whenever your life zest started to wane. You are responsible for your life. Not your kids, your spouse or even the world. You. You are important.

The world need you.

If you are like me, and have lost a loved one, then Re-intent. Experiment with your life and find out what reason gives you happiness to live?

If not, think about your loved ones who passed. Will they want you to live life fully or partially, like a corpse dragging itself everyday? No one can make you do anything. How you live your life is your business.

But trust me, when I say – Your existence is important to the world.

(The words may not flow as smooth as usual but they still come from my heart.)