What I feel like saying…

“The World/They/You are better off without me.” 

Have you heard these words?  Or have you said these words to anyone?

That’s the first sign of someone spiraling downwards.

What I meant is that, if kept uncheck, these words will toxic your mind and your worthiness. And the next thing you know, suicidal may be an option. 

No one is better off without you. 

Everyone’s life is precious and definitely wonderful. And no one should say these words nor judge anyone’s worthiness to live on this earth. 

If you are still breathing and alive, that means, there is still an opportunity for you to create something wonderful.

It’s OK if you have made mistakes. Everyone of us has. Regardless if you have done an unforgivable mistake or not, to me.. It’s best to surrender all that to the higher power.

(I don’t care if you have killed someone. If you are breathing that means, you have the means to do whatever it takes to atone for that and be willing to change for the better. 

If u die… What’s the use of sacrificing one’s life? Will that make the world a better place? I believe if people stop and think and change, that is even better. Cause that has a ripping effect. ) 

Forgive yourself first is the key. And then do whatever you can to be a better human. 

If it’s hard, get support, be in a loving tribe. A community that harness love and able to see you with love. The people who are willing to support you in whatever you are going thru.

Go to AA meetings, go to meetups, go to somewhere you can lend a hand with what you already have (e.g correctional youth programs, helping single parents, assisting kids in tuition, help man the suicidal helpline and more). You already have an innate well of love, time, energy and probably talents (everyone has many). So use it share it. Lend a helping hand. Stay away from toxic people even if they are your own family. They only bring you further into your own depressive state 

Meanwhile, do whatever you can rectify, to atone or make changes to be a better being.

In time, you will release these negative thoughts about yourself. 

And definitely affirm : “The world is much better with me in it.

I’ve been in this cloudy place before. I thought my kids were better off with others than me. I was struggling with my own emotional turbulence, day to day living expenses and at the same time, nurturing my kids to be the best that they can be. 

Sometimes, I’m the perfect mother but most times, I was fighting the monstrous green hulk within. I kept comparing myself with other kids and parents. 

And I felt overwhelmed by what they can give to their kids as compared to the handful I can afford. And no matter how much I’ve done, I felt that I cannot keep up. And then I began spiraling down the rabbit hole.

I felt useless. I felt that it’s better if I have just “gave” them to my former spouse. He has everything, a new family, siblings and also elders who seems to be very much supportive and loving than the current situation I’m facing with.

But I caught myself. I took 1 day break, doing nothing. Just relaxing and resting.

And I have conversations with my kids. I asked them to share with me if living with me is best or if they refer living with their grandparents in Europe, or their father in other parts of Asia etc

Hearing their heartfelt words brought me back to the truth of this matter.

No one can love my kids more than I do. I gave birth to them. I knew them the most. And I am the best person to bring them up with much love, care and attention.

The world won’t be better off without me. The WorLD will be MUCH Better with me in it.

So are you.

Thank you for having the courage to live your everyday.

It’s not easy. Yes. But you have gone this far, so why not go further?! 

Thank you for being a warrior.

Live. Smile.