Day 87

I wasn’t taught to express myself. Most times when I did that, I was often shushed down. Adults, seemed often ashamed at me speaking up, as a child.

And so, whenever I have something to say, I bottled them up. And sometimes, I cannot tolerate keeping them, I gushed them out in a journal. That helps.

But as I grew, I learn to handle this better. I thought I did. Until a recent loved one passed on.

I wanted so badly that my closest ones were around. But in my family, travellers’ family, we were all separated by continents.

Though I communicated that its OK for them not to come home because of excuses like – high cost of last minute plane tickets, even if I rushed, I cannot see the burial etc..

… But Deep down, I felt a deep anger brewing. I thought to myself – How dare they? How dare they leave me all alone here? This was someone who Matter to us. How dare they do this to me, create excuses for not being present for this? 

I thought family is supposed to be together and support one another (do whatever it takes to be physically there) in times of crisis. And death is a crisis. 

And I felt a great disappointment overwhelming me.

If it was me, I will beg, borrow or steal (not truly steal but do whatever it takes) just to be with my closest one because I knew they need me. And I also need them. And I believe by us being together will help to minimise the pain with love.

But what is done cannot be undone. 

But yet… 

Even after months, I still held onto that resentment. I felt – what can be the most important excuse than to be with your loved ones?

Soon this resentment grew into hatred. I cannot even tolerate speaking to them nor have any form of communication with them.

How did love turned to hate in such a short time?

I decided to write a letter…

I wrote a letter addressing all these peeps I’ve resented…

I “vomited” everything, I even cried in anger writing it. After an hour, I felt better. I imagined giving the letter to these people and they received it. I then burnt it.

I did not sent it, physically. I only imagined it. The letter was very toxic. 

And I wrote it to expressed myself. If not, it will spread within my being and made me toxic. (Yes, it can also make you sick.)

And when it’s done, I say my ho’oponopono words – I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you.

I’m saying to the Almighty in hope, that whatever I have with these people and events be cleansed and filled with love.

Previously, I sent these toxic letters to people. But in anger, people won’t understand the words. They got defensive, protective and we may eventually become enemies. 

Our emotions tend to cloud the actual situation perceived by us. So it’s best to vent it out on a letter. Then, imagined giving them away.

After that….

Say, some form of blessings to the people and you and the whole situations or ho’oponopono. 

And then surrender the whole situation to the Universe.

It works miraculously. 

For my case…. 

Within minutes, or hours, the people in concerned somehow felt nudge to call me and say sorry and some suddenly appear in front of me and many more. 

And our relationships had been repaired as if someone has been “erasing” and cleansing the pain and our resistance to love.

Love,

Lina.