What I feel like saying…

I’ve always thought that my mom and younger brother had a special connection. And I used to marvel the way they can share about anything.

Eversince I found out the truth about my birth (father wanted a son, he left disappointed upon my arrival and left my mom all alone in the hospital).

I felt that i was a disappointment. And though I loved my mom very much and willing to do anything she asked me to, there was a strange distance between us.

I felt that I detached myself from her eversince and I had kept her out of my affairs so as not to burden her further (even as a child) .

I just felt I have disappointed her with my birth and cause a discord between her and my birth father. And after the birth of my brother, I felt that they 3, should live happily ever after without me.

But that was not to be. Eventually mom got divorced and took us both with her. And I tried very hard to be the adult and do my best to ease her burden.

So I carried this belief around with me, that i was not good enough. Not good enough for any mothers. Like a cursed child, every mom in my journey tend to be on my bad side.

I became a further disappointment when I followed her footsteps and became a divorcee. I did not come back from that.

Shame, guilt, disappointment were all written on my face. But I didn’t face them. Nor did I communicated them with my Mom. I just allow everything I assumed to consume me.

Thru out the years, we were connected. Though continents apart, I can feel her and she can feel me. But I felt that somehow, we were getting further and further apart. And eventually I gave up. I left her.

She came back into my life in her final year. But we did not communicate much.

When she passed, all colorful trapped emotions floated up. And it was overwhelming. I wished I face her and shared my thoughts and feelings with her and bridge the gap between us when I had the chance.

I passed out in one of the “awakening” programs held around the world. And while I passed out, I was brought back to my past as a baby. 

And thru those baby eyes…. I see the world… 

I saw my mom, singing, being her happy self, talking to me as a baby. And I felt her. Her unconditional love for me. It was a beautiful, loving, rapturous momental experience I can never forget.

Whenever my “past experiences” played back in my mind like a broken record and bring me down, I bring back this beautiful memory of her unconditional love for me. 

Love, 

Lina.