What I feel like saying…
When my mom got married with my step dad, I called him by his first name.
In Asia, or just my family and community, its rude to call someone elder by his name.
My mom did not pressurise me to call him Dad, perhaps she knew this takes time.
But when we visit relatives for a festive season, almost everyone wanted me to call him Dad.
I felt I was manipulated and coerced to call him Dad in front of everyone. And the crowd was only appease when I gave in.
Eventually I gave in. But I wasn’t happy. Cos it didn’t comes from my heart.
I felt that after a rough childhood with my birth father, the next daddy has to earn that name. He has to be someone earning my respect in order for me to call him, a term, I place in my heart.
If not, its OK. We can call each other by our first name.
I figured it’s alright since I’ve grown past teenage growing into a young adult. There won’t be much “daddy-ING” to do, won’t it?
My truth is….
I came from a family who don’t truly speak up the truth.
Anything confrontational will be buried and only be shown in spurts of anger or emotional turbulence or unexpectedly in a heated quarrel.
And so these unhappiness, I buried deep inside till I forgot about it. Or so I thought, till it showed its roots, decades later, in moments of my vulnerability (when mom passed).
What I’m saying is that…
Parents, caregivers, governess, nurturers, teachers…..
Please ensure…
Kids, youths whoever under your wings… Have to be taught to express themselves honestly, boldly and clearly to their loved ones and especially their parents.
They should not be asked to hide it within or even be *keeper of secrets. (That was me since I was very young).
Sometimes I wonder what’s the used of vomiting it all out, after all these years?
But I know I have to, because it’s really making me unbalanced, unhealthy.
After what I’ve been through to learn about authenticity, I can no longer pretend.
But that does not mean, I don’t love my father or my step dad. It’s just that as I heal more, the debris that I’ve kept hidden kept showing up.
And communication is key. It’s key to every relationship. It doesn’t matter if they are young or old. Everyone deserves to express themselves as honestly and clearly and be understood.
Yes, confronting the pain out front can be brutal but it’s lesser than the pain that lay buried for many decades and eventually becomes a bigger wound.
I just wished I had the courage to voice out whatever needed to be expressed (regardless whether my family approved or not, or cos of fear of being disobedient) when I was younger.
Then I won’t have to face the many consequences/
repercussions it has created in the present and future.
I would have just boldly express out and as family, we would just face it and solve it right there and then.
But nevertheless…
I do not wish to bring my mistakes to my next generation and offsprings….
I told my kids to be brave and bold with me. To express themselves in more than 1 way to communicate their truth with me and each other…. Regardless whether they will make me angry with their truth (cos I can be the hulk)… Or just cos my bark is worse than my bite.
I told them it’s OK. I get angry for awhile and then, I’m back happy.
But to keep it’s truth hidden, is like numbing and denying a toothache from a rotten tooth. If uncheck, the tooth might get nastier and may need to be removed. And even if you deny, or ignore it, the pain is still throbbing, gnawing deep within, and continues to rot…. And may affect other teeth and your everyday happy-ness.
And I hope my kids and their future generations learn from my many mistakes.
Lina.
P. S: First and foremost, understand this….
It’s not my intention to embarrass anyone but….
(do read my disclaimer)
“These are just stories told through my eyes. Nobody is good or bad. Everyone in our life is here for a purpose.
Though they may stay for a reason or a season…. Everyone has something for us to learn/unlearn (but that does not mean, we can tolerate abuse/violence).
I’m a writer.
My legacy is to see my life as one big collective experiments. And do my best to express and share, not to embarrass or insult anyone…
But to express the pain, the silence of wounded one’s, the uncomfortable topics of community, my heartfelt perspective, and whatever… so that…
You, as the reader…
See life through my eyes, feel my wounds and have the strength and courage to shine some light into your own cobwebs of bleeding wounds and hidden challenges.
And together we navigate this life and became better than before.
All experiences shared may just be stories from the past through my eyes. Every story has many sides.
I’m not a perfect, good child, person, human sometimes. I have my imperfections.
People mentioned are often kind and big hearted when not “triggered” .
They may not be the same as mentioned in stories I shared and are often already changed drastically for the better.
I share the good, bad and awesome parts of my life. Just take whatever feels right and good for you to learn and unlearn from. “
For me…
For healthy relationships to occur, I rather someone tell me honestly than hid it for many decades till it turned toxic for the relationships but to receive such honesty is first to be honest, yourself.
Sometimes, I clamp back into my “wimpy-Ness” and held back all my emotions. And I only blurt them out when this volcano was about to erupt.
And so I understand the issue of Voicing out. Some of us just aren’t brave enough…. But that does not mean we don’t attempt it.
This is something I need to learn/unlearn.
And I hope that the peeps whom I’ve vomited my lava to…. Will one day be able to forgive me.
*(Keeper of secrets… What I meant is… when adults felt lonely, with no one trustworthy to share their “confessions”. They felt its too heavy, overwhelming for them and if they don’t let it out, they will be burn by it.
They tend to find the closest innocents around them, kids.
And so… I was many adults’ confidante growing up (I didn’t know I was an empath who peeps find comfy to share their troubles with).
To keep it inside for many many years, it’s unbearable, overwhelming, stressful and many more for kids, and even grownups…)
And adults, please if you need some form of confessions, don’t taint the innocence with your shame or burden…. Write them all out with much emotions on papers and then burn them.
Forgive yourself first, and the world shall create a space of forgiveness in their hearts.
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