I’m beginning to believe there are many “ones” in my life. Each ones have lessons of love to teach.

I’m privileged to have them in my life. Truly grateful. May God bless us all.

Looking back…

I realised that there was only one person whom I was in love with.

In love meaning…
finding love when i was not looking…including the ecstacy of falling for one person without knowing why or let alone understand. As if the heart was struck by Cupid.

A stranger i never knew who he was… never seem to exist, until one day.

The feelings he created within me was one of a kind.

The fluttering of heartbeats, the silly dance of souls, the joyous rupture of being in each others’ presence. The feeling that I matter.

I was no longer invisible. I was seen. And its great being seen with love by another who understood. And he made me feel safe, protected and knowing that he always got my back.

Knowing that he will always return if ever, he left. Knowing that he will always smile after his sadness/anger. Knowing that he is always by my side, has helped me to be stronger in facing my life challenges. Always comforting me, telling me-everything is gonna be alright.

And knowing that I’m always on his mind, made me feel loved, special and on top of the world.

Love and relationships in its infancy. From innocent stage to its variations of levels of growth. Which decorated our lives of growing and learning together in life. Taught us to be what were supposed to be…LOVE.

Love with the chemistry of changing from teenager to adult. Seeing life changing through our eyes and how we dealt with it. From puberty to maturity. Filtering life in its colourful essence and gathering what truly matters.

From butterflies in the stomach to learning the growing pains of true meaning of heart breaks in love. The ups and downs of true roller coaster rides

Doing our best to stay sane at our body changes, erupting emotions and the constant berating world towards us, not forgetting overwhelming family expectations.

Experimenting with life such as rebelling against our parents and doing what we thought was right…just to find our own way, back home.

I met him when I was 15. I was a “popular” girl and I knew almost everybody when I was in high school. From the tuck shop shop owners till the principal office and the students in all level of studies.

I’m just curious. I love to know more people and the perspectives and beliefs that came along with them.

Even so with such myriad friends, I don’t share myself that openly.

I held many roles in many activities. From police cadet corps to dance club, to drama, net ball and even librarian. In between I held jobs to help my single mom.

There was no time for Love.

There were the regular roses and gifts in valentine day and occasional letters (from admirers some secret and some not so secretive.)

But that was it.

Perhaps me being loggerheads with my brother assumes that all boys were irritatingly obnoxious.

Anyway…

One day, after my librarian duty, I walked to the bus stop and watched a group of the school boys playing soccer.

We were like 100 metres away.

I don’t know why, I have this urge to look at one particular guy. Within seconds, this guy who was facing his back at me, turned to look at me. And for a while, our eyes locked and there seemed to be an invisible connection.

As if the world stood still for that precious seconds… and then just like that, it broke off and he continued his soccer playing and I flagged a bus and got on it.

I never knew who he was nor did he come to find me.

A year later, we had a gathering. And we met again. This time upclose and my heart went -it’s him!!

The group tried to match us up and the rest was history.

We were close and became the best of friends. Suddenly my life became an open book for him and he came in beautifully.

He became a part of my family.

We did almost everything together. Growing through teenage lives, storming rebellious emotions and understanding love.

He taught me lots about Love and life. He was a good natured guy who seeks positivity in everything. Always happy, always joyous and carefree. Whereas I was doing my best to survive my life.

We went up and down the growing years together, United. It’s us against the world. He was willing to do anything just to make me smile.

Trial and error to gain each other’s attention, Love and respect.

He did all fancy things for me. Being as much gentleman he can be.

Ok, this must sound a bit disgusting but back then, it seemed so sweet…

One of the many things he did was to peel off the cartilages, I called “white bone” from the KFC (fried chicken) meals we had. He will pile them up for me.

I love to munch on them. In my history of lovers, no one knew of that …bit about me. But he did.

Growing up with another, like minded soulmate, one cannot keep things to oneself no matter how peculiar that habit may seem.

From romancing with flowers, songs and even poems (he actually wrote some and burnt the edges of the papers to look like aged scroll of the past)… we learnt how to make each others’ hearts sing in unison…not just in laughters but in tears as well.

We always thought we might marry one another but we made mistakes.

We never knew other boys and girls. We were each others’ first love and experiment of life.

We hurt one another but we patched back almost immediately. But one day he hurt me on one occasion so badly that I thought I can never forgive. To me, it was an ultimate betrayal, back then.

Even so…He was always there for me even on my wedding day, when his own heart was badly hurting.

He was my first love and ever since, I never truly loved another (i learnt to love them). Before him, I never knew how to let another soul in let alone understand the meaning of love.

But he selflessly showed me the way.

Recently I thought of him. Though we no longer love one another like we used to, he brought back joyous memories of growing up.

And I thought I had forgiven everyone in my past, years back but I have not. And this time, I’m willing to forgive him fully.

And right after, I saw a vision of him coming to me. I uttered -I forgive you and smiled. He said-I love you and then he was gone.

I felt like a part of me went with him. I smelled the freshly earth being dug up.

Tears rolled down my cheek. I took a deep breath.

Peaceful sensations swarmed over me.

Thank you, my one. Truly grateful. Bless you and your loved ones.

p.s: Did I regret letting him go? No. We both became different and comfy in our different pace and outlook of life.

We went our separate ways and we got married. I believe we each should walk our own path of love.

I’m thankful that we both got amazing spouses and wonderful kids. Even after my divorce, there was never a hope of reconciliation. I “severed my ties” ages ago when my heart was badly broken.

And also…
I “grew up” fast in rapid state with so much changes that one might have difficulty catching up once we were no longer in each other’s lives (even if its for a short while).

Or perhaps, that “ultimate betrayal” changed me drastically that I no longer see/love him the way he loved me-Unconditionally.

Anyway, I believe everything happened for a reason with blessings and miracles.

And whenever I lose hope on love, i remembered how he caught up with me in our youth, took my hand and taught me true love with loads of sunshiney smiles.

I am sorry.
please forgive me.

I forgive you and me.
I forgive us.
(Including the “boys” /situations/misunderstandings whatever “responsible” for our pain and break-ups)

You are free.
and i am free.

All is well between us.