Day 74- Boogeymen. 

What I feel like saying…

I used to struggle hanging out with men whose age were like my fathers (14 – 30 years older like my birth father and step father).

And I cannot be open discussing whatever we were there to complete. Because I don’t trust men. 

Sometimes it’s because of seminars, programs or even simple school projects that I have to work with them, as a team.

Why do I have these fears? Because someone trespass my boundaries and disrobed my self respect, when I was a child. 

It was so terrifying that I concluded that I was “broken” , as a girl growing up to be a woman. 

When I was younger, men were looking at me in a lusty state. Many have tried to express their sexual desires at me (no, it’s not the way I dress. Even when I was wearing the scarf, it’s the same). 

And some were like petty thieves who just wanted to snatch my innocence when I ignored them. 

And these men were people I trusted. Some were close family members, and people my family trusted such as tuition teacher, uncles, and more. 

I thought men were supposed to protect and defend little girls and their honour but not these men. 

They failed to even honour themselves. I see them as monsters. Especially those “father figures”, those who have families, kids and were supposed to protect their own. 

I lost respect of such men. They pretended to be nice in the eyes of society but deep down they were just nasty. Beyond redemption. 

So I have this protective defensive mechanism. I tend to believe men were dirty old men and they only think about sex. And I felt disgusted with them even if they were strangers and have done nothing. 

My vision of them were stained since young. One of my close man friend noticed that I was trembling just shaking hands with him. 

Even my own birth father, I love him but I cannot fully trust him. In fact I did not trust any man of the world. Not fully. It seems somehow eventually one by one will betray me in their own way. 

Perhaps this is one of the many reasons, I did not wish to be married. Coz I did not wish to be Iiving with a man in my full insecurity all my life. 

And what’s the use anyway if they cannot protect or defend their own and I’m much better off, protecting myself? 

But now it gets tricky. I have 2 sons…

As a strong single mom, I have to somehow heal these. I have to gain my confidence and belief in men. This core root need to be healed fully. If not, how can I empower my kids to be the best they can be? They will eventually become men, right? And I want them to be conscious and Awakened men. 

Men who honour themselves and others. Men who protects themselves and their loved ones. Men who stand up for themselves, have their own backbones. 

Men who can navigate their ego and heart, and can dance between feminine and masculine energies. Men who can think and feel, using their own powerful internal compass and antenna. Men who are bold enough to find their own paths and walk them. 

And many more…

As mothers, we have so much expectations of what our children can be.

But first, I need to heal this belief that men are monsters.

It’s not easy. 

I knew many women have been scarred by similar events like me. Have been dishonoured by men they trusted. 

I feel you. 

And when I feel helpless in this, I turn to the Universe for help.

I need to tune in, face whatever cobwebs of fear that we’re left, I also need to let go of everything that is not helping. 

And start afresh. 

I can do this. For me. 

For my now and future. 

Love,

Lina.