Do you know how it feels to interchange bodies? I felt it before, during post natal blues and depression, in 2003.
I’m a bookworm. I read lots. I used to carry books everywhere I go.
I often read before any event or life experiences so I can get a heads-up. And pregnancy is one of them.
I remembered when I was giving birth for the first time, I was anticipating the pain during birth and also blues after. But it didn’t come as expected.
It was slow and faint. Sometimes, non present as compared to what was conveyed in books.
Now looking back, I remembered my post natal blues and depression felt like….
I had given my all, body, heart, mind and spirit during birth that when it’s all done and I’m back safely home with my baby…
I felt like an empty shell. I felt like I had given birth to my child and me at the same time.
It felt as if my spirit and all that had left my being (when I gave birth) paused. I felt as if I came out of my body and became body-less for a moment.
Later after, I slowly came back, integrating into body and healing itself.
That whole transformational process is my understanding of my post natal depression and blues…
I wasn’t that bluey but I was sensitive to my inner happenings. Exhausted but in awe of what had happened that no words can ever describe how I’m feeling even after many decades.
A lot of emotions popped during those precious moments. And only I understood the tantrum and roller coastered feelings fleeting in and out.
As a new mom, I needed my space not just for me but me and my child. Lucky for me, my family was respectful of my desires.
I was able to be in the moment of it all. And my baby was a no fuss issue. He slept well. And only make little noises whenever he needed something.
Visitors come and go, I made my presence known for awhile and often made the excuse of breast feeding my child to go back to my cave and nurse myself back to good health.
I breast feed my child for full term of 2 years as what was taught to me, in Islam.
Now watching them, growing into young adults… in my eyes, they will always be the baby from my womb.
I’m not sure if I’m a good mother but I strive to do my very best.
And forever, truly grateful for these beautiful human experiences.
Everyone has different experiences. Cherish them and savour them. Every moment is precious. It reminded us how great it is to be human.