Do I need a new heart?

It’s funny how people think healers can heal fast. I thought so too. I’ve also taken many “shortcuts” not to feel grief. As a result, I’m in between living and dying.

I remembered when young, I would often prayed that God extend my mom’s “expiry date” (I used to see expiry dates on people that I fear mom will be one of them).

I asked God everyday to extend her lifeline for as long as possible because I confided that if she die, I will too. I even offered my life to extend hers.

As a child, when we were left on our own to live after mom chose divorce as her new path, I fear greatly for mom and her life. I will often cry at night for fear of losing her. Cos I’ve got no one. She had been my strength to live life fully no matter how challenging it may be.

So a year and a half has passed since she departed. I thought the sun had come out and I will be free from grief. I struggled a lot. Cos I’ve got 2 teens looking up to me. It has been easier but sometimes, when it gets cloudy, thunderstorm often follow suit and I found myself almost drowned.

Friends believed I was OK. They believed healers can heal themselves ASAP. I suspect, that they believed We, healers got some kind of magical wands somewhere.

And so I forgo my heart’s whispers and strive hard to make a comeback. I attracted broken hearted peeps and those who have not grieved fully. And of course, I worked full on helping others to heal whereas my heart’s newly stitches were slowly unraveling my weeping heart.

I gave my best. In fact I gave my all that some days, I cannot even protect myself. Knowing that when wounded, a healer is super sensitive and vulnerable, I vomited, I fell ill, I even got myself into unnecessary trouble.

While the wounded that I tend to, continue seeing themselves as victims, I was struggling to put my head above water.

Eventually my own life was at stake. When someone is afraid of drowning, in panic she may try to drown the one helping her, instead.

After that, I stop whatever I’m doing and reflect.

Why am I so damned stubborn to help people who does not want to be helped? Why do I keep saving victims?

Perhaps part of me wanted to be drowned. Perhaps part of me wanted to die.

I’m not depressed. I’m just going thru dark night of soul. I wake up feeling happy and loved. My teens never cease to marvel me with their antics and growth. But deep down, my heart was broken beyond repair. This time, the healer cannot heal herself asap. I need divine intervention.

I got frustrated when the “world” around me seems to have forgotten my 1 major event. They seem to have moved on and expected me to do the same and so I started faking as well but I left a trail of blood behind me.

The mirror in my home showed me beautifully but in the outside world, I saw myself in reflections, aging, expanding, getting heavier by the second, fading and wrinkling in existence. I felt like I was splitted in so many directions. And I’ve gained 10 years.

And no matter whatever medicine I’ve applied or even the strong cohesive glue, nothing can put me back again. Like humpty I resigned myself as hopeless as I watched my debris being blown away by the reckless winds.

I released myself from the prayer that became a vow for my mom. I began to breathe a little bit better.

My heart has adopted many layers of the most powerful metal as its wall. Everyday, as I heal and release them, automatically it will be replaced by an even formidable one.

I tried to busy myself with work but alas, work needed the heart to sync with soul. And right now, there seem to be a mile of disparity between them.

I barricade myself in my cave. I do take a walk now and then, but the world seemed to be too loud and too bright, and slightly toxic for me. Third eye refused to shut and take a nap, so I detach myself and affirm that I’m just an observer so as not to be caught up in any of its drama.

Closed ones never truly understood cos no one understood the dynamics of the mother and daughter close relationship, so I stopped explaining myself.

I walked feeling empty, it can be a bliss sometimes. Tears were taught not to cry in public but sometimes after a mini misunderstanding with my teens, they gave away.

This new site is supposed to be a professional one- I’m the healer, teacher, coach who can guide others…. But here I am sharing my wounds (I started being a blogger first, right?).

I ease my pain by being present in the very little fleeting moment, my wandering soul decided to linger by writing haiku (that’s how fleeting it is, only seconds).

Some are showcased in

I’m just rambling…

So rambling onto…

I watched Zoey’s extraordinary playlist and it triggered my own experiences when I was younger and unsure how to handle being an empath, psychic, clairvoyant whatever…

All I wanted was to make use of my gifts to help people. Mainly so they can be happy. But I ended up trespassing, meddling with their issues and broke some friendships.

Now, I only share and “help” people find solutions only if they ask for it. And only if they promise to be responsible for their lives.

I’ve never shared with anyone (I shared snippets with mom and it scared her that I shut my mouth but funnily, she was one of “us”) that I have these gifts of knowing because I don’t want people to look at me differently. But ended up, they did (fyi- each and very one of you, humans are also psychic. You are just not aware of it).

I miss my mom greatly. Though I dreamt of her often, it doesn’t truly curb the missing-Ness.

There were times, I felt that I failed her cos I was not able to heal or even solve her issues that she had resolute to “go home” to God . Sometimes I wished she invited me along (and then, u wonder what about your kids?).

Things I used to love no longer held such novelty for me. I wonder wide awake, what do life has that can jolt me up to live again. Will travel be the same again without my no. 1 fan?

Or do I need a new heart?


Anyway, this prayer I found from Marianne Williamson, one of my favorite author… (I add love after peace).

It soothes my bleeding and broken heart…and felt I’m a step closer to the Divine, everytime I read and surrender.

I wrote it, paste on the wall… to read before I go to sleep, everyday…

May our everyday continue to be our blessings full of miracles.


P. S: and for those who thinks healers are super heroes, I’m sorry to burst your bubble, I’m not. I apologise if I cannot be there to witness, guide, or even lend a shoulder to anyone in need even if we are related or close. It may seem, I’ve got everything under control, but the truth is far from it.

It don’t matter what goes down in and around the world.

What matters is… I have to do this. I’ve got to be with me, stand by me, witness me, help me, guide me, heal me (with the Almighty’s help of course) . Sometimes when I’m out and about, I felt that I’m only 1 percent present. I have no other strength left, only enough to heal me, for now.

I pray that…

May you be guided on your beautiful paths with much love. And the right people or beings will help and guide you.

Oh yes, I noticed that Silva methods (u can read the books first free on PDFDrive dot com) actually covers basics of connecting your powerful gifts with individual self. If you commit to getting to know your true self, this may be good foundation to start.

For me, I learnt lots from my surroundings as a child, and eventually the Universe guides me to the right courses, programs and teachers of the world. But even before anyone taught me, I was actually using them without my knowledge. For me, the current lives we lived in are already the evidence of us using our powers unaware. Have fun.

Still on sabbatical.
Writing is healing.

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