Mom has passed but I’m still working on my Mother wounds. I realised that I’m close to her, but I didn’t let her in my life to get close to my heart. It has always been a 1-way-street since young.
She was a single mom, overwhelmed and stressed often with taking care of herself and her two kids. And I dare not burdened her further and so I kept everything to myself, growing up.
And as a child, I noticed that there was no one rescuing the women. And I wanted to rescue one of them, my mom.
There is this one issue kept plaquing my life. Regarding women…
I noticed recently that I felt like I was “bleeding” (metaphorically) endlessly…
When I’m wounded, I often started out being the Princess (in my Warrior Goddess Programs, there are 4 archetypes of women) again and wanting someone to rescue me.
I forgotten that we attract what we are. So I attract the “bleeders”. They gave me a solution but they also bleed me dry. To the point, I have to save some blood to live.
That’s when my warrior (another archetype) kicked in. I have to protect and honor my own boundaries. I thanked them for coming to “save me” (and “feed” on me) and gratitude for lessons learnt.
I wasn’t angry at them because they were not the first ones. This happened many times before.
And why am I not learning from the past experiences? Because the core wound is not healed and removed. I’m still looking through life as a victim of these “wounded” templates.
To get to the core wound, I have to endlessly keep asking why, why, why, why or I just do a body language or testing exercise.
It seems that I have issues protecting and honoring my boundaries with my mother as a child. I often pretend that I was her elder sister (cos she called me “kakak” -in malay means big sister) because she often ask me for advices in life. I don’t know why but I indulge her. (For those who believed in previous lifetimes, perhaps I was her elder sister back then).
Eversince she became a single mother and thru out her last moments (even after she was married to my step-dad)….
Whatever she wants, I will drop everything and focus on fulfilling her wishes. I never say No to her.
Whenever she is unhappy in Europe, she did not have to tell me but I can feel her even if she is miles away. And I will drop everything to fly there to ensure she is OK and happy again.
For now, it felt that…
I kept repeatingly attracting women who keep “exhausting” my blood because I let them and cos I cannot say NO to them.
As an intuitive empath, whoever I meet, I saw their past including wounds, pains, trauma, depressions, challenges etc and I felt very empathic to them.
I just wanted their pain (and mine) to end. And so like any other bloodsucking movies, I offered them my blood in hope that my sacrifice is enough to make both of us happy.
Of course not….because its never enough for 2 or more to share a living body of blood. Unless they each are aware of their wounds and actions.
So lessons learn?
When energy is low, and I’m badly wounded, I shall continue to stay in the cave to recuperate till I am fully healed. After healing, thru out I shall raise my energy and follow the Universe’s guidance. Mainly follow my joy and heart.
And stop being the Princess waiting for the Prince Charming because I ended up attracting other wounded princesses. And because no one save me or them, I change my role to Prince to “save them” because I am empathetic towards them. They reminded me of my mom.
And my “warrior within” need to wake up fast. To protect the Princess from offering her remaining blood to others…
More info from another clear approach: https://goop.com/wellness/relationships/healing-the-mother-wound/
P. S: I’m not insinuating anyone personally. I took full responsibility for my life. I made these choices and I learn/unlearn greatly because I knew people come for a reason or season. And this woke me up.
There are always lessons and blessings that comes along in every experience .
Though I haven’t healed fully, I also took some healing work assignments for others. And my work are only for awakened leaders. So of course it’s a deep mirror work, both ways.
Anyway, I’m reflecting on my experiences in hope it shed some light to whoever reading this.
Do note: Grief has no expiry date.