119 – Ms Nobody

What I feel like saying…
Have you ever felt in any point of life that you are not what you imagined yourself to be?
In my 20s,30s and even 40s,i felt that I was not up to my fullest potential. I have not made my parents proud.
And there were many times whereby I felt useless, a great burden not just to them but to society and the world.
I felt that I can give more and contribute more but somehow I got lost and forgot my goals and dreams.
There were times where I nurse my failures like those wounded from wars while replaying my traumatic experience over and over again. Reminiscing my failure and feeding my fears.
There were times, I cannot wake up at all thinking, it’s best I was not born at all.
I wished I become a prodigy and master in something serving with my best abilities, that I can do it with my eyes closed while bringing joy to the world.
I wished I became someone so great that every mother will whisper- “Her mother must be proud, and the suffering in her 9 months pregnancy must be truly worth it. I wished I have a child like that.”
But instead I created failure after another and became a burden to my parents. 
There was also a time where I cannot even face them nor myself. Shame was the clothes I wore. 
But how long can you stay sullen, mopping and nursing your wounds while playing the broken records of the hall of shame? Eventually you will get tired of all that.
Yes, tired of acknowledging your failures and do nothing to get up.
If you noticed the most successful people of the world are the ones who faced the most number of failures. 
They were ashamed numerous times. They got bankrupt. Lost businesses. Lost relationships. Great calamities befall them. But did they gave up? NO.
Perhaps they do feel what you felt. Like giving up. But they persevered. They grew in determination. They resolve to conquer their fears and failures and learn, improve and be better. 
Have you noticed that the harder you push a basketball to the ground, the higher they bounced back? 
I remembered my mentors laughed at me when I got immersed in my own sappy stories of my failures. It startled me. 
It was not laughter of making fun. But laughter cause they knew something big awaits me. A scent of great success. 
When I felt like my world is bleak, dark and hopeless…i start laughing out loud.
Eventually I begin to see this funny story I enveloped myself in. An illusion I wrapped myself in to feel safe like a cocoon because I was afraid to attempt again. 
Laugh out loud at your failures and fears. Eventually they will leave. They are just temporary mockery of your greatness.
Believe, have faith and trust that the best is yet to come. 
Love,
Lina. 
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